SPECIAL REPORT: Is Supercuts Stereotyping Against Bald Men?

Every American has been to a Supercuts at one point in their lives, whether it was for a drastic new look, a cheap touchup before an important interview, or to eat hair off of the floor because that Eastern European guy said it was the only way you could star in his movie. But what if this affordable staple of passable fashion was secretly stereotyping against the nation’s least fortunate demographic? What if the welcoming atmosphere of Supercuts is just as fake as that Eastern European guy’s film company turned out to be?

Rod Skagleyfoot contacted Circus Killer News after being victimized by the hair cutting giant. He says he was denied service for no other reason than that he was bald.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” said Skagleyfoot to Circus Killer News reporter Chip Chambers. “I’ve never heard of something like this happening before, except to people who are black or gay or women or something else weird.”

Skagleyfoot recalled times in the past when visiting Supercuts was a fun and relaxing experience; a time before he identified as a bald man.

“It used to be that in this country you was free to go to Supercuts and wait on a wobbly, uncomfortable bench in the lobby for 40 minutes while reading all the fancy French words on that wall of shampoos, and wondering if you can get away with taking one of those lollipops from the bowl by saying your kid is in the car. That’s the America I remember. And it’s gone.”

Skagleyfoot isn’t the first bald man to complain. In fact, many bald men complain about a lot of thing all the time. But Skagleyfoot isn’t the first to come forward with complaints about this specific thing. Bald men across the country have reported being denied service from Supercuts due to nothing more than their shiny, hairless tops.

To get to the bottom of this conspiracy, Chip Chambers went undercover as a bald man. Chip did everything he could to project a truly bald image. In addition to wearing a bald cap, Chip put on sandals, a t-shirt with words on it, and learned everything he could about canned beer. Chip was driven to a nearby Supercuts in our Circus Killer News van, which for this experiment was disguised as a 2002 Ford Taurus – a stereotypically bald car.

Chip was thrown out not soon after entering. No recording devices were allowed in the establishment due to recent Great Clips espionage attempts, so none of what transpired could be captured on film or audio. According to Chip’s reports, however, the stylist who greeted him did so at gunpoint and ordered him back out onto the street.

Chip returned later that day without the bald makeup. He was surprised to find that the exact same stylist who had just hours earlier threatened to “scalp [his] freakishly naked head and hang it up on the scalp wall for all to see” now greeted him pleasantly and without a firearm. As Chip sat wrapped up in that black tarp that protects people from the radiation of the electric shavers, and the hair stylist trimmed his hair while droning on about her friend’s sister’s fiancée’s landscaping business or whatever, Chip felt as though the world was supposed to be better than such vile, petty prejudices. In those few minutes he spiraled into a deep, inescapable depression that radically shook his entire worldview at its core. In the middle of his haircut, Chip activated his emergency Circus Killer News cyanide tooth, and became the thirteenth thing to die in that particular hair stylist’s hands.

Rest in peace, Chip Chambers. This Circus Killer News Special Report is dedicated to you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Forced to Wait 40 Goddamn Minutes for Haircut

Local office worker Donald McMillan was tragically inconvenienced yesterday afternoon when he was forced to wait in a forty minute line just to get a goddamn haircut. Supercuts was the first of many stops that Donald had planned to make after work, but the unusually long wait time forced those plans to be changed.

“I didn’t even have time to stop at a supermarket to get dinner, so I had to resort to fast food,” said Donald. “I mean, I don’t mind fast food at all, but this is the second night in a row now, you know?”

An investigation is underway to determine the cause of the delay, but experts speculate that if Shauna and Gina hadn’t both called in sick, the wait time might have been shortened to fifteen, or even ten minutes.

“What really doesn’t add up about this case,” said renowned haircutologist Dr. Brooke Jenkinsen, “is that Shauna asked to take yesterday off two weeks ago and was denied. And Gina has been flakey ever since she learned that her husband died in Afghanistan. This is going to be a pretty lengthy investigation.”

No news yet on whether or not this scandal will affect Supercuts and its parent company Outstandinghaircuttersanddressers in any lasting way.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man Can’t Put Off Haircut Any Longer

Arthur Mannigan of Blofeld, Virginia, determined this morning that he can’t put off getting a haircut any longer. Arthur initially decided to try and wake up early on Saturday morning to get to Supercuts before the weekend rush. Reflecting on how busy Supercuts is on Saturdays, however, Arthur thought to instead just call in sick tomorrow.

Arthur’s last haircut was at the end of September, and it has since grown longer than he usually wears it. This hadn’t bothered him until his friends and coworkers began verbalizing their opinions of his hair a few weeks ago. The decision to get it cut was officially made this morning when a Starbucks barista mistook Arthur for a woman.

Additionally, Arthur’s wife Carrie has been nagging him to get a haircut for nearly a month now, but Carrie nags about everything so Arthur just sort of tuned it out.

Since the decision, Arthur has been reminding himself all day to place his Supercuts punch card in his wallet when he gets home since he’s only two away from a free haircut. He’s written reminders to himself about the card on his phone, full well knowing that he’s probably going to forget it anyway. Arthur has also been trying to recall the name of the stylist who last worked on him so that he can request her because out of every other stylist there, she talks the least.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.