The 18 Most Interesting Moments in the Life of Brian Williams

Recently,  NBC news anchor Brain Williams claimed to be in a US military helicopter when it crashed in Iraq.  The claim turned out to be false,  leading to an investigation in some of Williams’ other reports,  including his coverage of Hurricane Katrina.  The reporter’s life,  however,  is apparently full of astonishing stories that can be found in his autobiography,  “The Life of Brian.”  Here are 18 of the more interesting incidents from Williams’ life.

 

1. Shadowed Seal Team 6 on the night Osama bin Laden was killed.

2. Physically tore down the Berlin wall.

3. Played one of the penguins featured in  “March of the Penguins.”

4. Beat the Elite Four in  “Pokémon: Silver edition”  in under six hours.

5. Became the first of two people to have sex in space (along with his co-pilot Jennifer Aniston).

6. Inspired the events depicted in  “Taken 3.”

7. Wrote Tina Turner’s  “What’s Love Got to Do with It.”

8. Met Bruce Wayne at a charity function some years ago.

9. Won The Voice.

10. Rode to Lexington,  Massachusetts,  to warn Samuel Adams and John Hancock that the British were coming.

11. Once hunted ghosts with Dan Aykroyd,  Harold Ramis and  “A Black One.”

12. Broke up with Taylor Swift,  inspiring five of her songs.

13. Rescued those hostages at Nakatomi Plaza.

14. Was the first to report on the death of Julius Caesar.

15. Founded Starbucks.

16. Survived the Death Star explosion.

17. Died on the cross for the sins of mankind.

18. Reported the news on NBC.

Brian Williams also claimed to have created the internet and buried Jimmy Hoffa,  but Al Gore has come forward claiming responsibility for both of these things.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Man Can’t Put Off Haircut Any Longer

Arthur Mannigan of Blofeld, Virginia, determined this morning that he can’t put off getting a haircut any longer. Arthur initially decided to try and wake up early on Saturday morning to get to Supercuts before the weekend rush. Reflecting on how busy Supercuts is on Saturdays, however, Arthur thought to instead just call in sick tomorrow.

Arthur’s last haircut was at the end of September, and it has since grown longer than he usually wears it. This hadn’t bothered him until his friends and coworkers began verbalizing their opinions of his hair a few weeks ago. The decision to get it cut was officially made this morning when a Starbucks barista mistook Arthur for a woman.

Additionally, Arthur’s wife Carrie has been nagging him to get a haircut for nearly a month now, but Carrie nags about everything so Arthur just sort of tuned it out.

Since the decision, Arthur has been reminding himself all day to place his Supercuts punch card in his wallet when he gets home since he’s only two away from a free haircut. He’s written reminders to himself about the card on his phone, full well knowing that he’s probably going to forget it anyway. Arthur has also been trying to recall the name of the stylist who last worked on him so that he can request her because out of every other stylist there, she talks the least.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Starbucks Again Honors Adorably Overweight Spice Girl with “Pumpkin Spice Latte”

Starbucks has once again whipped out its traditional “Pumpkin Spice Latte” in honor of Melissa Bentley, the sixth member of the famous ‘90s British pop group “The Spice Girls,” who died around this time four years ago. Bentley was better known to her fans as “Pumpkin Spice,” a nickname given to her in light of her noticeably round figure and orange skin.

Bentley’s addition to the iconic musical group was a landmark in pop culture at the time, having joined on for her raw musical talent instead of her looks. Bentley was responsible for the non-lyrical portions of each song, vocally “beatboxing” every tone and percussive sound that wasn’t sung by the other Spice Girls. She was typically found just off stage during performances, hiding behind curtains as a result of her debilitating stage fright. Her fear of being seen is also why she doesn’t appear in any pictures with the rest of the group.

When The Spice Girls went on their “indefinite hiatus” in December of 2000, Bentley married into the Starbucks family. Many of the bizarre hit flavors that Starbucks has produced over the years were created by Bentley, who was known to often mix together as many foods as possible before consuming them. Her passing in late October of 2010 is still honored by the company, which, along with the rest of the Spice World, laments her tragic death of getting lost inside a pile of leaves.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.