SPECIAL REPORT: Football

Every Sunday, millions of Americans flock to holy sites across the country to pray, sing songs, worship heroes, and pay fourteen dollars for a hotdog. It sounds a lot like church, but actually it’s a sport called “football,” and it’s as popular in America as Dooganwibble is in Great Britain.

Football has an interesting history that uncles across the United States know too much about. It started in the Depression Era when Americans needed a distraction from the woes of having to eat people’s shoes in order to survive. Impoverished hunks would saw off the foot of an unsuspecting stranger and then run through the streets with it until it was safe to remove the foot and boil the shoe. Police officers couldn’t afford bullets in those days, so they would tackle the foot thieves to the ground in order to stop them. Football evolved out of this tradition.

The game has changed a lot since its early days. Football is now played with an oblong leather ball called a “football.” The players of this sport are called “players,” and they play on a field that is a called a “football field.” Players have to get the ball into a zone at the end of the field, which is a region called the “end zone.”

Some of those terms might be a little too convoluted to understand, but the team names are far more memorable. Falcons, Seahawks, Eagles, Ravens, Cardinals… these are all the names of birds that have attacked me at a public swimming pool, but they are also the names of some of the teams that play this exciting sport. Some football teams have controversial names, such as the Redskins, which is a derogatory term for indigenous people; the Patriots, which is a derogatory term for Trump supporters; the Cowboys, which is a derogatory term for young men who lactate uncontrollably. Today’s politically correct culture has caused football viewership to decrease because of these offensive names, and now the games have been heavily censored.

Football is a dangerous sport, and players often sustain lifelong injuries by the end of their careers. This is what makes football so interesting, and the people in charge of the game have experimented with ways to bring even more harm to the players. There has been talk of installing landmines, sharks, cigarettes, and other dangerous elements into football fields across the country in order to make the game more exciting. Of course, the players are still cared for. All players injuries are healed at the end of each game by dunking them into a tub of a magical glowing liquid called “Gatorade,” which heals them almost instantly.

Football is as American as apple pie, coca-cola, or displacing a native population, and since the United States will exist until the end of time, so too will this wondrous and exciting sport.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Fox News Correspondent Not Sure What Slant To Put On Story About Transgender Muslim Police Dog

Fox News correspondent Hunter Toddson found himself in hot water on Monday when he accidentally stepped onto a geyser that had opened up in his pro-fracking town. Yesterday, however, Toddson found himself in metaphorical hot water when he had to produce a news story for his local Fox station about a transgender Muslim police dog who rescued a small child from a fire.

“At Fox we put stories into two categories,” he said. “The first is the Light Group, which is stories that promote traditional values, American heroes, our suave and intelligent President, anything we want to shed a light on to show how great this nation is. The second group is the Dark Group, which is stories about immigrants committing crimes, liberal college professors spilling food, people who have choked to death on socialism, or other terrors in this country lurking in the shadows that we have to report on.”

Toddson says that this particular news story fits into both the Light Group and the Dark Group and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Any story about a dog, the third most American animal behind eagles and freshwater salmon, belongs in the Light Group. Combine that with the fact that this dog is an authority figure that dashed into a burning building and you got yourself a solid positive slant story. But on the other hand, transgenderism and anything having to do with non-Christian faiths is clearly a Dark Group story.”

As more details about the incident unfold, Toddson found his decision became increasingly difficult.

“It turns out the dog’s parents were both immigrants, which ordinarily would put this story in the Dark Group. But the dog also served in Afghanistan, which is a Light Group trait. The dog also turned out to be a Trump supporter, which is Light, but I just found out that the dog is female. I just don’t know what to do.”

Toddson says he will likely toss the entire story and instead write a piece about the firefighter who stood up for his religious rights by heroically refusing to put out that same fire because it was in an atheist’s apartment.

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Movie Theaters

Every weekend, Americans flock to the movies to catch a glimpse of their favorite superhero saving the day, two attractive people falling in love, or an anthropomorphic animal learning to believe in itself. Despite the home video industry, the internet, and that one-eyed veteran who sells bootleg DVDs outside the building where I work, movie theaters in America are currently booming. This is due to a number of revolutionary features that can’t be found anywhere except the movies.

One of the big changes that came to theaters across the country a few years ago was the installation of recliner seats. Thousands of movie theaters across the US now allow moviegoers to kick their feet up, lean back, and take a nap in the middle of the movie. Many of these seats also have a vibrating massage feature that you can activate by inserting an amount of quarters equal to $13. Of course the seats come with cup holders, but the movie theater seat cup holders of today are temperature controlled, keeping your drink nice and cool while you laugh at whatever Paul Rudd is doing on the screen. Dozens of Americans in the last five years have gotten frostbite by falling asleep during a movie and accidentally leaving their hand inside one of these refrigerated cup holders, but none have complained.

Concessions have also been revolutionized by the movie theater industry. Most movie theaters now offer literal popcorn tubs that customers can sit in during the movie. Some theaters also offer a “concession trough” that the moviegoer fills with an assortment of open snacks and desserts, and then hooks onto the three seats in front of them so that they have something to shove their face into while the movie is playing. Additionally, the smallest soda sizes are now 44 ounces, and the largest are roughly the size of a three-year-old human. Movie theater companies are also starting to remove their restrictions on opioids, cannabis products, and other types of recreational sedatives to make sure that the average moviegoer’s escape from reality is as fulfilling as possible.

Theaters are also making a push to sell tickets for 3D and IMAX movies, which the home theater industry cannot compete with. Some theaters are experimenting with 4D technology, which allows viewers to watch every scene of the movie at the same time. In order to bring a sense of realism to the movie-going experience, a number of theaters will shine powerful lights into people’s eyes during a film’s bright desert scenes, fill the theater with mosquitoes and other bugs during scenes that take place in a swamp, or flood the theater with the smell of urine for any movie that takes place in Newark, New Jersey.

Whether or not these changes and advances in movie theater technology make going to the movies worthwhile is still a matter of some debate. With each new change comes an increase in ticket prices, long lines, and one more thing for bloggers to complain about. The movie theater industry is still going strong, however, which if nothing else proves that humans will tolerate just about anything.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mixed-Race Couple Relieved to No Longer Be Neighborhood’s Most Diverse Family

Alan Browning, a Half-Chinese American, was relieved to see a Hispanic family move into his neighborhood last week, reports say. For four years Alan has been the most diverse person in his neighborhood, which he claims was a difficult burden to carry.

“It’s just the most annoying thing in the world,” said Alan. “I can’t go to a single neighborhood event without someone asking me how difficult it was to switch from Chinese to English. I’m from goddamn Tucson, I know more Spanish than Chinese.”

Alan moved into the neighborhood with his wife Elise four years ago, and she claims to have been under similar scrutiny.

“Everyone keeps asking me if he makes me cook Chinese food for him instead of getting takeout,” said Elise. “First of all, I don’t know how to cook. He does all the cooking and it’s usually Italian because Alan grew up in the only Italian neighborhood in Tucson on Tony Bennett Street, named after the road where the singer’s daughter Michelle was conceived.”

“And another thing,” said Alan, “just because I’m a Buddhist and my wife is Lutheran doesn’t mean we argue about the afterlife all the time. We both think our beliefs are a little ridiculous and are thankful that neither of us are Jewish, that’s all that matters.”

Alan and Elise greatly appreciate the Alvarez family coming in and taking their curios, naïve neighbors off of their hands for a little while, although the new neighbors have already started to become agitated.

“Why does everyone keep asking me to help fix their cars and give them gardening advice?” said Douglas Alvarez. “I didn’t even know those were stereotypes.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.