culture

SPECIAL REPORT: Fast Food

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Fast food has become an integral part of American culture. It is estimated that each year, the average American eats nearly 63,000 pounds of fast food, spends $14,000 at fast food restaurants, and spends a total of 56 minutes masturbating in a Taco Bell drive-thru. With fast food being such an important piece of the American lifestyle, is it possible that what your roommate’s super bitchy girlfriend says about the health risks is true? Could fast food be a negative influence on the United States, and if so, is there a solution to the problem, and can we get that solution in a large?

It’s no secret that fast food restaurants are the preferred dining destination of the acne-stricken, the morbidly obese, and the nearly diabetic, but is there any evidence to suggest a linkage between fast food and unhealthy bodies? Circus Killer News spoke with Dr. Audris Flayheardt, a freelance nutritionist hired by numerous fast food companies to conduct health investigations. He has been hired by nearly every fast food chain with the exception of Wendy’s.

“I’ve devoted my life to studying the nutritional value of fast food, and I can tell you, it’s perfectly safe, perfectly healthy,” said Dr. Flayheardt surrounded by recently purchased burgers, chicken, and fries that he assured us he intended to eat as soon as we left. “You walk into any fast food restaurant, you order anything on the menu, and what you get will be good for you. Your body needs it, your bones need it, your children need it. It’s all good. The only case where this isn’t true is Wendy’s.”

So if the food isn’t harmful, then what’s the issue? Alleya Hernandez, founder and leader of a national anti-fast food organization called “No Try’s With That,” explained her side to us.

“I didn’t know the risks when I started giving my family fast food,” said Alleya, “Now my one son has no teeth because the acidity from the soda dissolved them. My other son is an addict and has to work at the Burger King to pay off his debt to them. And my daughter was mugged in the parking lot of a totally different Burger King. That’s why my organization boycotts fast food.”

Alleya then spent the next forty minutes trying to explain the name of her organization; something about how it’s supposed to make fun of a common fast food phrase, but instead it’s saying, “you can’t try to force your food on us,” or something. It sounds like she’s not a very creative person and just went with the first idea that came to her.

On the other side of the spectrum are fast food connoisseurs, which despite how they sound are not a type of dinosaur. These are people who travel to different towns, different states, even different countries, all to experience the joy of fast food everywhere they can. They rate different locations, swap fan theories, and perform ritualistic sacrifices in fast food restaurant bathrooms. We wanted an interview with Jim Cormers, famed for visiting more McDonald’s locations than any other person in history, but sadly Jim was lost to heart disease three months ago. He was cremated and had his ashes scattered over a McDonald’s flat top grill in New Jersey.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mixed-Race Couple Relieved to No Longer Be Neighborhood’s Most Diverse Family

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Alan Browning, a Half-Chinese American, was relieved to see a Hispanic family move into his neighborhood last week, reports say. For four years Alan has been the most diverse person in his neighborhood, which he claims was a difficult burden to carry.

“It’s just the most annoying thing in the world,” said Alan. “I can’t go to a single neighborhood event without someone asking me how difficult it was to switch from Chinese to English. I’m from goddamn Tucson, I know more Spanish than Chinese.”

Alan moved into the neighborhood with his wife Elise four years ago, and she claims to have been under similar scrutiny.

“Everyone keeps asking me if he makes me cook Chinese food for him instead of getting takeout,” said Elise. “First of all, I don’t know how to cook. He does all the cooking and it’s usually Italian because Alan grew up in the only Italian neighborhood in Tucson on Tony Bennett Street, named after the road where the singer’s daughter Michelle was conceived.”

“And another thing,” said Alan, “just because I’m a Buddhist and my wife is Lutheran doesn’t mean we argue about the afterlife all the time. We both think our beliefs are a little ridiculous and are thankful that neither of us are Jewish, that’s all that matters.”

Alan and Elise greatly appreciate the Alvarez family coming in and taking their curios, naïve neighbors off of their hands for a little while, although the new neighbors have already started to become agitated.

“Why does everyone keep asking me to help fix their cars and give them gardening advice?” said Douglas Alvarez. “I didn’t even know those were stereotypes.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.