SPECIAL REPORT: Football

Every Sunday, millions of Americans flock to holy sites across the country to pray, sing songs, worship heroes, and pay fourteen dollars for a hotdog. It sounds a lot like church, but actually it’s a sport called “football,” and it’s as popular in America as Dooganwibble is in Great Britain.

Football has an interesting history that uncles across the United States know too much about. It started in the Depression Era when Americans needed a distraction from the woes of having to eat people’s shoes in order to survive. Impoverished hunks would saw off the foot of an unsuspecting stranger and then run through the streets with it until it was safe to remove the foot and boil the shoe. Police officers couldn’t afford bullets in those days, so they would tackle the foot thieves to the ground in order to stop them. Football evolved out of this tradition.

The game has changed a lot since its early days. Football is now played with an oblong leather ball called a “football.” The players of this sport are called “players,” and they play on a field that is a called a “football field.” Players have to get the ball into a zone at the end of the field, which is a region called the “end zone.”

Some of those terms might be a little too convoluted to understand, but the team names are far more memorable. Falcons, Seahawks, Eagles, Ravens, Cardinals… these are all the names of birds that have attacked me at a public swimming pool, but they are also the names of some of the teams that play this exciting sport. Some football teams have controversial names, such as the Redskins, which is a derogatory term for indigenous people; the Patriots, which is a derogatory term for Trump supporters; the Cowboys, which is a derogatory term for young men who lactate uncontrollably. Today’s politically correct culture has caused football viewership to decrease because of these offensive names, and now the games have been heavily censored.

Football is a dangerous sport, and players often sustain lifelong injuries by the end of their careers. This is what makes football so interesting, and the people in charge of the game have experimented with ways to bring even more harm to the players. There has been talk of installing landmines, sharks, cigarettes, and other dangerous elements into football fields across the country in order to make the game more exciting. Of course, the players are still cared for. All players injuries are healed at the end of each game by dunking them into a tub of a magical glowing liquid called “Gatorade,” which heals them almost instantly.

Football is as American as apple pie, coca-cola, or displacing a native population, and since the United States will exist until the end of time, so too will this wondrous and exciting sport.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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12 Ways To Enjoy Valentine’s Day While Single

Valentine’s Day is a great way for taken women to feel cherished and for taken men to feel poor. For the single word, however, Valentine’s Day can be an abysmal reminder that loneliness is the only true constant in the universe. Here are some tips you can use to stave those terrible thoughts away this Tuesday.

 

1. Tell people you’re refusing to celebrate this year because we shouldn’t take any focus off of Black History Month.

2. Spend the day with another single friend and see if your outbursts of bipolar depression sync up.

3. Eat enough chocolate to put yourself in a coma for the whole day.

4. Put some thought into that yearly Facebook post where you slam Valentine’s Day for being a made-up holiday used by Big Chocolate to increase their first quarter profits.

5. Masturbate.

6. Perform chores and errands that most people wouldn’t do on Valentine’s Day, such as doing your taxes, organizing your garage, writing your manifesto, etc.

7. Avoid Jen’s desk.

8. Visit a bar to prove to yourself that other people are just as alone and dysfunctional as you.

9. Tell yourself that you’re going to start working out so that you don’t wind up in the same situation next Valentine’s Day, and then assure yourself that this week isn’t a good time to start.

10. In the days before February 14th, place electrodes around your body that shock you each time you think of an ex. By the time Valentine’s Day arrives you’ll either be cured of your lingering feelings or go on a homicidal rampage.

11. Work on your erotic science fiction novella.

12. Go back in time and kill St. Valentine before he gets all those snakes out of Mary’s uterus or whatever it is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Weirdo Answers Honestly When Asked How Things Are at Home

Corporate accountant Geoffrey Paulson irritated some of his coworkers this morning when he answered honestly after being asked how his home life was going.

“Oh boy, not that great,” Paulson reportedly told a number of coworkers. “I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for a while and I think I finally found evidence of it in her texts.”

It was at this point in Paulson’s story that his coworkers started to regret asking the notoriously honest geek about his home life.

“On top of that my bank just recently froze all of my credit cards so I’m kind of coasting on fumes here. I’m not totally sure how I’m gonna make through the week, honestly.”

Regret mixed with dread at the sound of this news when Paulson’s coworkers started worrying that this sad, lonely acquaintance of theirs might ask for some money. Thankfully, Paulson continued.

“Oh and it turns out my son might be gay. He didn’t actually come out and tell me or anything but I think I caught him making out with a male friend of his. I mean, I don’t have anything wrong with homosexuality or whatever, but I’m not sure if I’m prepared to handle all this, you know? Not all at once anyway.”

Paulson’s coworkers politely shook their heads, reciprocating with a dismissive “Oh, wow, I’m sorry, buddy.” A few made this mistake of leaving with “If you need anything I’m here for you,” which they immediately regretted once receiving a text from Paulson shortly afterwards inviting them out to go bowling over the weekend. None have responded to the text yet.

More on this as it develops.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.