Comcast Offers New Sports Package That Automatically Censors NFL Players Kneeling During National Anthem

Comcast recently announced a new sports package that will be available this weekend that automatically censors any NFL player who chooses to kneel during the national anthem. The package will cost $69.99 per month and uses the same state of the art censorship technology employed by the FOX Network to make President Trump appear like a sane person.

“Our Smart Censor software will mask any protesters in the NFL through on-the-spot cropping, tasteful blurring, and additional advertisements,” said a Comcast spokesperson. “Our viewers deserve to anesthetize themselves from the problems of the world by watching sports, not to be reminded of them.”

The announcement has been met with positive reviews among NFL fans, who believe this is an appropriate step to making themselves feel better.

“I get so angry every time I see a player kneeling during the anthem,” says lifelong NFL fan Dale Brumner. “As a veteran, I feel more disrespected than any minority in this country ever has in the history of the entire country, ever.”

Some have been criticizing Comcast for trying to capitalize on an issue that is dividing America, similar to when Dairy Queen offered a free Blizzard to anyone getting an abortion, or when Disney offered 50% off on all amusement park tickets if customers brought a gun. Dale, however, says it’s a brilliant idea.

“I would pay any amount of money to show that I love and support this country and condemn those who don’t. Kneeling during the anthem is a crime worse than taxation, and I’ll have nothing to do with it.”

The package will be available later this week and hundreds of preorders are already in. Several networks have announced that they will also attempt to circumvent the kneeling protests in different ways. ABC will play beer commercials over the anthem, CBS will show images of random Americans standing all over the country, and NBC has cancelled football altogether and will instead air a still image of the American flag every Sunday for five hours while playing the national anthem on a loop.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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14 Ways The NFL Could Really Spice Up Football

This past NFL season was the least watched in nearly a decade. Some sports experts speculate it’s because of the election while others say it’s simply the work of nerds. Regardless, if the NFL wants increased viewership then it’ll need to think of a few new ways to spice up the game. Here’s some ideas from a sports outsider.

 

1. The opening coin toss could be replaced with a pistol duel between two fans.

2. At any time during the third quarter, a player on the losing time can invoke his “sedan privilege” and play the next three plays in a four-door sedan.

3. Landmines can be scattered throughout every field intermittently.

4. At the start of the fourth quarter a small herd of zebras will be released onto the field. They won’t do anything; the players will just have to keep playing around them.

5. Get boobs into the game somehow.

6. Start a reality show featuring the player’s wives.

7. Start a reality show where players from different teams have to live under one roof.

8. Start a reality show where the referees and players swap wives.

9. Turn the whole sport into a reality show.

10. Do those slow-motion instant replays whenever a camera catches one player smacking another player’s butt.

11. Referees could throw down different colored flags that mean different things. They could throw down a blue flag, for example, to show that it’s about to rain or snow, or a red flag to say that they’re hungry.

12. Require each player to know a modicum of kung fu.

13. Let John Malkovich narrate every game but keep poking him with a stick so he gets increasingly agitated.

14. Jetpacks.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Patriots Cheat to Win Super Bowl Using Divine Intervention

Super Bowl XLIX took place yesterday with the New England Patriots beating the Seattle Seahawks 28 to 24, however the Patriots’ win was met with outrage this morning when it came to light that members of the team had been praying to God to assure their victory.

It was confirmed that every one of the players spent a considerable amount of time praying to God before the game. Additionally, quarterback Tom Brady reportedly led the team in a prayer in the locker room moments before coming out onto the field.

Although this was a clear violation of the NFL’s policy on performance enhancements, the news did not come as a shock to most football fans. This has been the third time that the Patriots have cheated this season. The most recent time was during the NFC championship game in which members of the coaching staff deflated all 12 footballs that the team used throughout the game. The first account of cheating by the Patriots this season was when they were caught using mind control devices to help win a game against the Green Bay Packers in early October.

Agitated Seahawks fans are demanding blood but the League refuses to acknowledge the act as a form of cheating.

“There is nothing in the rules that forbid the usage of divine intervention during an official game,” said NFL spokesman Chad M. Matthews. “There’s a stipulation about witchcraft, the occult and several Hindu gods for some reason, but nothing about using the Almighty.”

God Himself has yet to respond to the allegations but is rumored to have been spotted attending the Super Bowl wearing a Patriots hat. This, however, has not been confirmed.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 7 Elements of a Perfect Super Bowl Party

The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which means many Americans across the country will be hosting parties for friends, family members and neighbors. We at Circus Killer understand how stressful and nerve-wracking hosting your first Super Bowl party can be, especially if you’ve never quite followed the sport. If it sounds like you might be in this situation, check out this foolproof guide for hosting the perfect Super Bowl party.

 

Food: Snack foods are a must. Supermarkets will be jam-packed this weekend with other game day shoppers, so make sure you bring a switchblade or other concealable weapon to the store with you.

Beverages: Getting wasted is about the only thing that makes overgrown men running into each other for an oblong ball fun to watch. We recommend procuring about 1 keg per person, however do NOT serve wine. Any seasoned football fan will tell you that wine is for Europeans, self-righteous housewives and Bar Mitzvahs.

Equipment: The big game is meaningless without a big TV. Avoid hosting a Super Bowl party if your television is 196 inches or smaller.

Superstition: Many football fans are superstitious, so don’t feel uncomfortable if a guest shows up wearing old, unwashed “lucky” underwear. You might also consider borrowing a friend’s pair of old, unwashed “lucky” underwear so that people know you’re serious about the game’s outcome.

Women: Women play an important role every Super Bowl in that they serve food, drinks, and watch children, so make sure you have a few of those lying around.

In-House Entertainment: Domestic abuse is as much an American institution as the Super Bowl itself, so make sure your party has at least one violently alcoholic sports fanatic so things get out of hand at some point. For an increased experience, you might want to invite two people of this profile who are rooting for different teams.

Activities: Sometimes people like to celebrate the Super Bowl by playing some backyard football before the game begins. If you’re so socially defunct that you need a guide to tell you how to host a party, chances are you’re not up to that kind of physical activity or social pressure. Try breaking an arm or a rib before Sunday so you have a valid excuse to get out of this sort of game.

 

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

60 Second Ad for New Drug Just List of Side Effects

Grosche-Lumburgh Pharmaceuticals released a 60 second television advertisement for a new anti-depressant called “Vaxidol,” however the ad was comprised entirely of side effects for the drug.

“Legally we’re required to inform potential customers of any new drug’s side effects,” said Grosche-Lumburgh spokesperson Patricia Denali. “Once we mentioned all the side effects attributed with taking Vaxidol, however, there just wasn’t enough time to mention anything else about the drug.”

Despite some of Vaxidol’s numerous side effects, which include “heart failure,” “liver disease,” and “Ebola somehow,” many people with depression have been electing to take the new drug because nine out of ten doctors were paid fifty bucks to recommend it. Vaxidol’s increasing popularity can also be attributed to its recent price drop. Prescription medication can cost the average American over one hundred dollars monthly, however Vaxidol is completely free when you give Grosche-Lumburgh a working credit card and your social security number.

Users of Vaxidol haven’t reported any issues with the drug because many of them have lost the ability to communicate due to either irreparable nervous system damage, brain failure, or spontaneous combustion of throat, chest and other vital areas.

Some Americans without depression have also begun taking the drug shortly after Vaxidol became “The Official Anti-Depressant of the NFL.” Some health analysts warn that this can be dangerous because a side effect of taking Vaxidol without having the depression it’s designed to treat will more often than not lead to depression.

The FDA approved the use of Vaxidol last November, shortly before FDA Deputy Commissioner Josef Harlow purchased a yacht large enough for an on-deck swimming pool that is large enough to contain its own small yacht.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Just Now Taking Down Last Year’s Christmas Decorations

Richard Murano, a 42-year-old architectural consultant in Harfolk, Delaware, has finally gotten around to removing his Christmas decorations from the previous year.

Richard reports that there were many reasons for the 11-month delay, which was verified by members of the Murano household who often heard Richard remark how it was “too cold out,” or how his “work pants needed to be cleaned first.”

The husband and father of three’s apparent refusal to shed his home of yuletide spirit was met with confusion by his neighbors. Many assumed the Muranos were just more religious than was originally believed, whereas others thought that Richard was confused himself, thinking that Richard believed Christmas lasted 12 months and not 12 days. The rest of the Murano family learned to embrace their new surroundings – this past October they hosted the most holly jolly Halloween party in recorded history.

Richard finally began to dismantle the lights on his house and nativity scene in his front yard over the weekend. He claims to have finally found some time to do so because baseball is over and his boycott of the NFL since the Ray Rice scandal is still going strong.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.