The 7 Elements of a Perfect Super Bowl Party

The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which means many Americans across the country will be hosting parties for friends, family members and neighbors. We at Circus Killer understand how stressful and nerve-wracking hosting your first Super Bowl party can be, especially if you’ve never quite followed the sport. If it sounds like you might be in this situation, check out this foolproof guide for hosting the perfect Super Bowl party.


Food: Snack foods are a must. Supermarkets will be jam-packed this weekend with other game day shoppers, so make sure you bring a switchblade or other concealable weapon to the store with you.

Beverages: Getting wasted is about the only thing that makes overgrown men running into each other for an oblong ball fun to watch. We recommend procuring about 1 keg per person, however do NOT serve wine. Any seasoned football fan will tell you that wine is for Europeans, self-righteous housewives and Bar Mitzvahs.

Equipment: The big game is meaningless without a big TV. Avoid hosting a Super Bowl party if your television is 196 inches or smaller.

Superstition: Many football fans are superstitious, so don’t feel uncomfortable if a guest shows up wearing old, unwashed “lucky” underwear. You might also consider borrowing a friend’s pair of old, unwashed “lucky” underwear so that people know you’re serious about the game’s outcome.

Women: Women play an important role every Super Bowl in that they serve food, drinks, and watch children, so make sure you have a few of those lying around.

In-House Entertainment: Domestic abuse is as much an American institution as the Super Bowl itself, so make sure your party has at least one violently alcoholic sports fanatic so things get out of hand at some point. For an increased experience, you might want to invite two people of this profile who are rooting for different teams.

Activities: Sometimes people like to celebrate the Super Bowl by playing some backyard football before the game begins. If you’re so socially defunct that you need a guide to tell you how to host a party, chances are you’re not up to that kind of physical activity or social pressure. Try breaking an arm or a rib before Sunday so you have a valid excuse to get out of this sort of game.



Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd |
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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