Comcast Offers New Sports Package That Automatically Censors NFL Players Kneeling During National Anthem

Comcast recently announced a new sports package that will be available this weekend that automatically censors any NFL player who chooses to kneel during the national anthem. The package will cost $69.99 per month and uses the same state of the art censorship technology employed by the FOX Network to make President Trump appear like a sane person.

“Our Smart Censor software will mask any protesters in the NFL through on-the-spot cropping, tasteful blurring, and additional advertisements,” said a Comcast spokesperson. “Our viewers deserve to anesthetize themselves from the problems of the world by watching sports, not to be reminded of them.”

The announcement has been met with positive reviews among NFL fans, who believe this is an appropriate step to making themselves feel better.

“I get so angry every time I see a player kneeling during the anthem,” says lifelong NFL fan Dale Brumner. “As a veteran, I feel more disrespected than any minority in this country ever has in the history of the entire country, ever.”

Some have been criticizing Comcast for trying to capitalize on an issue that is dividing America, similar to when Dairy Queen offered a free Blizzard to anyone getting an abortion, or when Disney offered 50% off on all amusement park tickets if customers brought a gun. Dale, however, says it’s a brilliant idea.

“I would pay any amount of money to show that I love and support this country and condemn those who don’t. Kneeling during the anthem is a crime worse than taxation, and I’ll have nothing to do with it.”

The package will be available later this week and hundreds of preorders are already in. Several networks have announced that they will also attempt to circumvent the kneeling protests in different ways. ABC will play beer commercials over the anthem, CBS will show images of random Americans standing all over the country, and NBC has cancelled football altogether and will instead air a still image of the American flag every Sunday for five hours while playing the national anthem on a loop.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Archeological Evidence Suggests Library of Alexandria Never Went Digital

The Ancient Library of Alexandria lost all its thousands of texts during an infamous fire nearly 2000 years ago because the institution never made the transition over to digital, archeologists say. Though this had always been a theory, newly uncovered evidence seems to prove that the Library’s failure to upgrade its system is the primary cause for the loss of its literature.

“Everyone sort of understood that not digitally backing up their archives was the main reason why the fire that destroyed the Library was so fatal,” said archeologist Dan Rhyback, head of the team that discovered this new evidence. “Now, we finally have something that shows why this fatal mistake occurred.”

That something is an ancient Comcast modem that seems to have fallen into disrepair. Miraculously the antique device can still be turned on, however it does not appear to transmit or receive any signal.

“When we plug it in,” said Rhyback as he demonstrated how to use the device, “we can see that the ‘Power’ light turns on automatically so it appears to be working. However if you look at this flashing ‘US/DS’ light, we can see that there is no strong connection with any internet provider.”

At first glance it may look like the device is working, but in fact the flashing ‘US/DS’ light indicates that the modem is malfunctioning in some way, and perhaps never worked properly at all.

“Nothing seems to give the device any signal,” said Rhyback. “We’ve tried unplugging it and plugging it back in, hitting the little ‘Reset’ button on the back, nothing.”

The archeologists also uncovered a small basement underneath the site where a phone was found on hold with Comcast tech support for the last 2000 years, which further supports the theory.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.