60 Second Ad for New Drug Just List of Side Effects

Grosche-Lumburgh Pharmaceuticals released a 60 second television advertisement for a new anti-depressant called “Vaxidol,” however the ad was comprised entirely of side effects for the drug.

“Legally we’re required to inform potential customers of any new drug’s side effects,” said Grosche-Lumburgh spokesperson Patricia Denali. “Once we mentioned all the side effects attributed with taking Vaxidol, however, there just wasn’t enough time to mention anything else about the drug.”

Despite some of Vaxidol’s numerous side effects, which include “heart failure,” “liver disease,” and “Ebola somehow,” many people with depression have been electing to take the new drug because nine out of ten doctors were paid fifty bucks to recommend it. Vaxidol’s increasing popularity can also be attributed to its recent price drop. Prescription medication can cost the average American over one hundred dollars monthly, however Vaxidol is completely free when you give Grosche-Lumburgh a working credit card and your social security number.

Users of Vaxidol haven’t reported any issues with the drug because many of them have lost the ability to communicate due to either irreparable nervous system damage, brain failure, or spontaneous combustion of throat, chest and other vital areas.

Some Americans without depression have also begun taking the drug shortly after Vaxidol became “The Official Anti-Depressant of the NFL.” Some health analysts warn that this can be dangerous because a side effect of taking Vaxidol without having the depression it’s designed to treat will more often than not lead to depression.

The FDA approved the use of Vaxidol last November, shortly before FDA Deputy Commissioner Josef Harlow purchased a yacht large enough for an on-deck swimming pool that is large enough to contain its own small yacht.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Marc Jacobs, Calvin Klein and Others to Design Stylish Facemasks for Ebola Fearful Fashionistas

Many American companies are responding to the nation’s fear of Ebola. Among them are high-end fashion designers who aim to give their customers a chic peace of mind. Marc Jacobs is leading the campaign to bring fashionable facemasks to the American people who want to feel safe from the spread of Ebola without sacrificing their looks.

The masks will appear similar to the surgical masks worn during the 2003 SARS epidemic, only outfitted with labels and stylish patterns. Other fashion designers are jumping on the idea, going so far as adding elegant HAZMAT suits to their upcoming fashion lines.

To be clear, Ebola is not actually airborne as of right now, but the target market for the designers participating in this endeavor are the same people who pay hundreds of dollars for a handbag, so the masks should do pretty well.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.