SPECIAL REPORT: Weight Loss

Americans are as obsessed with losing weight as they are with unintentionally gaining it. Each year, millions of Americans are killed because of weight loss regimens that are too extreme, too untested, or too volcanic. To investigate the dangers of losing weight, Circus Killer News persuaded Mica Raszbo, one of its most expendable reporters, to try out a few different methods of getting thin.

The first weight loss method that Mica tried out was dieting. He went on a “Green” diet in which he could only eat green foods, but Mica kept getting sick because he would just eat green Skittles. Mica then tried the “Fist Hunter” diet where he was only allowed to eat animals that he could both ride and kill with his bare hands. This proved to be an excellent means of losing weight for Mica because he ended up not eating anything for seven days. Lastly, Mica went on a diet called “Holes for Goals” where he was only permitted to eat foods with holes in them, such as bagels, Swiss cheese, and DVDs. This was the most nutritious diet by far.

There are a lot of different weight loss drugs on the market, but because there is no agency in the United States that regulates food and drugs, it’s impossible to know for certain which weight loss drugs are safe, and which ones are highly explosive. We mixed a bunch of different weight less pills into Mica’s lunch without his knowledge to see how his body would react. After about thirty minutes, he began vomiting on everything nearby. He also lost his vision, convulsed uncontrollably, and started speaking fluent Portuguese, which is a language that he didn’t know before. Also his right hand completely fell off, so he did technically loose about fifteen pounds.

As we accompanied Mica to a hospital to get his hand reattached, we inquired about surgical weight loss options. Since bones are the heaviest part of your body, the smartest surgical option would be a simple bone removal, where they take out some of the bones that you aren’t using. Another option is an organ reduction; we only use 10% of our brains, so slicing out that unused 90% will help you get rid of any excess brain-weight that you might be carrying with you. We went ahead and signed up Mica for both of the procedures while he was passed out.

This left only one more weight loss measure for Mica to test out: exercise. We gave Mica a gym membership so that he could start pumping iron, treading mills, and doing that thing Chuck Norris does in that commercial, but he never used his membership. Ever since he was brought home from the hospital, he’s done nothing but lay in bed as a drooling, motionless, unresponsive pool of human soup. That gym membership was pretty expensive, so Circus Killer News is now suing Mica for everything he has.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Skin Care

Taking care of one’s skin is an important and often overlooked aspect of hygiene. There are many different skin care treatments and methods, but unfortunately there’s no way to scientifically prove if any of them work because all scientists are liars. In this Circus Killer News Special Report we’ll detail a variety of skin care regimens out there, from the popular to the surreptitious, so that you can try them out for yourself and maybe find a solution to that gross outer layer of your disgusting, pig-like body.

There are a multitude of products out there that supposedly help you get healthier skin, but all of them warrant caution. Ever since President Trump appointed Mayor McCheese to the head of the FDA, many regulations that kept harmful drugs off the shelves have been repealed, and unsafe drugs are back on the market. One of the most popular facial scrubs out there is “Proderis,” which is currently facing a scandal amidst rumors that the cream contains gluten. It has also been suggested that Proderis’ manufacturer swept negative trial results under the rug during the testing phase, which accounts for why many of its users have become sick, developed rashes, and grown antennae out of their cheeks.

With the increasing social acceptance of cannabis, there have been many skin ointments and jells appearing in stores that utilize the healing properties of marijuana. To copy its success, a few cutting-edge drug companies have started experimenting with skin creams that contain heroine, LSD, and methamphetamines. Early reports for these experimental drugs vary, but the LSD cream allegedly gives you the ability to talk to walls and to melt people’s faces by shooting butterflies with teeth at them out of your eyeballs.

Of course there are ways to take care of your skin without the use of medication. You can naturally absorb Vitamin D from the sun’s rays, which has been proven to clear up unwanted blemishes. Vitamin D is also the name of an amateur rapper who lives in my building, and he claims through his music that he can cure any ailment via sexual intercourse. Both methods are certainly worth a try.

There are also a few homeopathic skin care regimens that are safe, easy, and completely rational. Rubbing rocks all over your body, for example, is a way to suck out all the negative energies that cause skin diseases, provided those rocks are from the bottom of a stream and have been sensually kissed by a virgin. Proponents of homeopathy also argue that music can have healing properties and will often take turns getting naked in front of each other and yelling at their skin until it looks healthier. Other homeopathic methods include pouring boiling tea on your skin, rolling around nude in magical sand, and snakes.

The most bizarre, expensive, and niche skin regimen of all is a process called a “skin peel,” and it’s what most celebrities and rich people do to look young and beautiful. The elite will go to a fancy hospital/spa and through a low-risk surgical procedure will get all of their skin removed. As they spend the day getting pampered, workers will rinse their skin in a luxurious chemical bath and iron out all those unsightly wrinkles. The skin is then glued back onto its owner at the end of the day, and they leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

There are countless ways you can take care of your skin, and you’ll never know which method works best for you until you try them all. Be safe, be healthy, and please let me eat your skin.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Revolutionary Weight Loss Pill Transfers Unwanted Fat To Someone Else

Lipodexx, a new, highly advanced weight loss drug, became available in pharmacies all across the country this week with its revolutionary procedure of transferring body fat to other people.

Mercudyne, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Lipodexx, has not released any information on how the drug works. Some speculate it’s through a breakthrough quantum technology, while others believe magic is at work.

Results vary for each person depending on their height, weight, and sexual orientation. For every pound that someone on the drug loses, a different person somewhere else in the world gains. The person who gains the weight has no connection to the person who loses it.

“It’s completely random,” said Mercudyne spokesperson Gary Charzard. “Someone will take Lipodexx and lose thirty pounds in a week, and then someone in a completely different part of the world will wake up an extra thirty pounds heavier.”

Many Americans applaud the new drug for being exactly what they’re looking for – it doesn’t solve their problem, but it does push it onto someone else.

“I’ve tried everything to lose weight,” says Millicent Torruso, a lifelong overweight person. “I’ve tried exercising, I’ve tried surgery, I’ve tried Satanism, I’ve tried a weight loss cult that required me to swallow magnets and rub crystals all over my body, but nothing worked. I don’t know what happens to the fat, and I don’t care.”

Mercudyne has developed a number of other experimental drugs, including a birth control pill that also makes your sexual partner infertile, a painkiller that erases traumatic memories, and a cough syrup that makes your voice hilariously high pitched. Lipodexx, however, is the first drug of theirs to hit the market.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

60 Second Ad for New Drug Just List of Side Effects

Grosche-Lumburgh Pharmaceuticals released a 60 second television advertisement for a new anti-depressant called “Vaxidol,” however the ad was comprised entirely of side effects for the drug.

“Legally we’re required to inform potential customers of any new drug’s side effects,” said Grosche-Lumburgh spokesperson Patricia Denali. “Once we mentioned all the side effects attributed with taking Vaxidol, however, there just wasn’t enough time to mention anything else about the drug.”

Despite some of Vaxidol’s numerous side effects, which include “heart failure,” “liver disease,” and “Ebola somehow,” many people with depression have been electing to take the new drug because nine out of ten doctors were paid fifty bucks to recommend it. Vaxidol’s increasing popularity can also be attributed to its recent price drop. Prescription medication can cost the average American over one hundred dollars monthly, however Vaxidol is completely free when you give Grosche-Lumburgh a working credit card and your social security number.

Users of Vaxidol haven’t reported any issues with the drug because many of them have lost the ability to communicate due to either irreparable nervous system damage, brain failure, or spontaneous combustion of throat, chest and other vital areas.

Some Americans without depression have also begun taking the drug shortly after Vaxidol became “The Official Anti-Depressant of the NFL.” Some health analysts warn that this can be dangerous because a side effect of taking Vaxidol without having the depression it’s designed to treat will more often than not lead to depression.

The FDA approved the use of Vaxidol last November, shortly before FDA Deputy Commissioner Josef Harlow purchased a yacht large enough for an on-deck swimming pool that is large enough to contain its own small yacht.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.