SPECIAL REPORT: Skin Care

Taking care of one’s skin is an important and often overlooked aspect of hygiene. There are many different skin care treatments and methods, but unfortunately there’s no way to scientifically prove if any of them work because all scientists are liars. In this Circus Killer News Special Report we’ll detail a variety of skin care regimens out there, from the popular to the surreptitious, so that you can try them out for yourself and maybe find a solution to that gross outer layer of your disgusting, pig-like body.

There are a multitude of products out there that supposedly help you get healthier skin, but all of them warrant caution. Ever since President Trump appointed Mayor McCheese to the head of the FDA, many regulations that kept harmful drugs off the shelves have been repealed, and unsafe drugs are back on the market. One of the most popular facial scrubs out there is “Proderis,” which is currently facing a scandal amidst rumors that the cream contains gluten. It has also been suggested that Proderis’ manufacturer swept negative trial results under the rug during the testing phase, which accounts for why many of its users have become sick, developed rashes, and grown antennae out of their cheeks.

With the increasing social acceptance of cannabis, there have been many skin ointments and jells appearing in stores that utilize the healing properties of marijuana. To copy its success, a few cutting-edge drug companies have started experimenting with skin creams that contain heroine, LSD, and methamphetamines. Early reports for these experimental drugs vary, but the LSD cream allegedly gives you the ability to talk to walls and to melt people’s faces by shooting butterflies with teeth at them out of your eyeballs.

Of course there are ways to take care of your skin without the use of medication. You can naturally absorb Vitamin D from the sun’s rays, which has been proven to clear up unwanted blemishes. Vitamin D is also the name of an amateur rapper who lives in my building, and he claims through his music that he can cure any ailment via sexual intercourse. Both methods are certainly worth a try.

There are also a few homeopathic skin care regimens that are safe, easy, and completely rational. Rubbing rocks all over your body, for example, is a way to suck out all the negative energies that cause skin diseases, provided those rocks are from the bottom of a stream and have been sensually kissed by a virgin. Proponents of homeopathy also argue that music can have healing properties and will often take turns getting naked in front of each other and yelling at their skin until it looks healthier. Other homeopathic methods include pouring boiling tea on your skin, rolling around nude in magical sand, and snakes.

The most bizarre, expensive, and niche skin regimen of all is a process called a “skin peel,” and it’s what most celebrities and rich people do to look young and beautiful. The elite will go to a fancy hospital/spa and through a low-risk surgical procedure will get all of their skin removed. As they spend the day getting pampered, workers will rinse their skin in a luxurious chemical bath and iron out all those unsightly wrinkles. The skin is then glued back onto its owner at the end of the day, and they leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

There are countless ways you can take care of your skin, and you’ll never know which method works best for you until you try them all. Be safe, be healthy, and please let me eat your skin.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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News From the Future #02

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 23rd, 2028 – Google’s Hostile Takeover of Planet Earth Goes Off Without Hitch

Google’s hostile takeover of the entire planet officially ended last week in what experts are saying is the most successful and efficient business transaction in the whole of human history. This according to a board of business analysts, all of whom are of course now owned by Google along with the rest of the world. Many view the move was inevitable since Google took over the food industry in 2021 with the invention of Google Water, followed by its monopoly on the both the energy and medical industry after the success of Google Oil and Google Compliancy, respectively. Additionally, saying the word “Google” 10 times within one piece of written text awards any person 1 day’s extra Google Rations. Google.

 

2. October 11th, 2078 – Medicinal LSD Now Legal in 14 States

This morning, Delaware became the 14th US state to legalize LSD, a powerful and potentially harmful hallucinogen, for medicinal purposes to be prescribed by a doctor. Controversy over the drug’s legality spurred when a study released nearly 30 years ago revealed that LSD can help fight cancer, stop the progression of dementia and combat severe boredom. Drug experts believe that LSD’s growing acceptance is premature since the long-term effects of the hallucinogen have not yet been properly studied. This according to a group of flying purple horses that melted through my bedroom wall playing Paul Simon’s greatest hits on lyres.

 

3. November 6th, 2312 – First Half-Hispanic Transgendered Cyborg Woman with One Mole on her Face Elected as US President

Last night’s election results are in and it appears that Penelope Matrix Ortega will be taking office as the first half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg woman with one mole on her face this January. This is a huge victory for the half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg women with one mole on their faces community and a large step in the right direction for ethnic, gender, mechanized, sexual, and singular blemish equality. This was also one of the closest elections in the last 40 years with Ortega just beating her opponent Slurge Dirkman by two points. Slurge would’ve been the second space slug to be elected president in US history.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.