Jeremy Vallin, CEO of the Larson, Allen & Larson Group, was found dead in an alleyway in Manhattan early yesterday morning after reportedly switching places with a vagrant in search of enlightenment. Cause of death is still being determined, though money withdrawal seems to be the most likely explanation.

Vallin took over LAL in 2005. Ever since a brush with bankruptcy during the recession in 2009, Vallin supposedly became interested in mysticism and existentialism, viewing the almost collapse of his company as a near-death experience. Under his new philosophies, Vallin encouraged LAL employees to live life to the fullest, connect with the spirits of nature, and don’t expect anymore Christmas bonuses since money isn’t important.

The homeless man with whom Vallin switched places calls himself “Jeremiah.” No one suspected Jeremiah, who spoke often of “government mind-control beams” and the time he hosted a potluck dinner with Jesus, since those are the sort of right-wing, fundamentalist ramblings of any number of CEOs.

Jeremiah admitted to the ruse when Vallin’s body was identified yesterday. He was found with nothing but the clothes on his back and a mere $6,730.65 in cash.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

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