Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 23^rd, 2028 – Google’s Hostile Takeover of Planet Earth Goes Off Without Hitch

Google’s hostile takeover of the entire planet officially ended last week in what experts are saying is the most successful and efficient business transaction in the whole of human history. This according to a board of business analysts, all of whom are of course now owned by Google along with the rest of the world. Many view the move was inevitable since Google took over the food industry in 2021 with the invention of Google Water, followed by its monopoly on the both the energy and medical industry after the success of Google Oil and Google Compliancy, respectively. Additionally, saying the word “Google” 10 times within one piece of written text awards any person 1 day’s extra Google Rations. Google.

 

2. October 11^th, 2078 – Medicinal LSD Now Legal in 14 States

This morning, Delaware became the 14^th US state to legalize LSD, a powerful and potentially harmful hallucinogen, for medicinal purposes to be prescribed by a doctor. Controversy over the drug’s legality spurred when a study released nearly 30 years ago revealed that LSD can help fight cancer, stop the progression of dementia and combat severe boredom. Drug experts believe that LSD’s growing acceptance is premature since the long-term effects of the hallucinogen have not yet been properly studied. This according to a group of flying purple horses that melted through my bedroom wall playing Paul Simon’s greatest hits on lyres.

 

3. November 6^th, 2312 – First Half-Hispanic Transgendered Cyborg Woman with One Mole on her Face Elected as US President

Last night’s election results are in and it appears that Penelope Matrix Ortega will be taking office as the first half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg woman with one mole on her face this January. This is a huge victory for the half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg women with one mole on their faces community and a large step in the right direction for ethnic, gender, mechanized, sexual, and singular blemish equality. This was also one of the closest elections in the last 40 years with Ortega just beating her opponent Slurge Dirkman by two points. Slurge would’ve been the second space slug to be elected president in US history.

 

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Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.