My name is John Francais Callahan. I make more money every hour than you did during all of last year. I now offer my expertise in life, success and “making it in America,” with the intention it might someday make you lesser men worthy opponents that I can destroy.
This week’s topic is driving. The ability to expertly operate a vehicle tells people two things. Your understanding and respect of complex machinery indicates cunning and wisdom. It shows that you know how to take control of every element within your life and manipulate things to your will. This is the first thing. The second thing is of course that you’ve mastered the sexual arts.
I’m not going to go over the specifics of operating a motor vehicle; this should have been taught to you by a supplemental father figure. Instead I will be going over what sort of cars you should be choosing to drive.
1. Company. If you’re not driving American, you’re not driving a real car. America has made the best cars since their invention over one hundred years ago and at no point has that quality diminished. Anyone who says otherwise has bought into Japanese and/or Nazi propaganda left over from WWII.
As for the company itself, I recommend Ford because it was the first company to introduce the concept of capitalism – God’s intended economic system – to the automotive industry. Fords rarely break, and when they do it’s because of user error or alcohol damage, which I assume is far classier than water damage. I wouldn’t know, of course, as I don’t drink water. I consider any substance I can obtain for free as a regulated piece of the socialist regime.
2. Type. The type of car you drive naturally says a lot about you. If you drive a pickup truck, for example, then you’re undoubtedly a member of the working class. You are the foundation that allows for truly great men such as myself to rise into perfection, which is commendable and worthy of my respect. If you drive a small compact car, then you are a woman between the ages of 15 and 35. If you drive a minivan, you are a woman that has surpassed that useful age.
Muscle cars can be for three kinds of people. Either the aged working-class man who has saved up and splurged in his retirement, a young working-class man who refuses to save up and instead splurges early on in his time as an economically viable citizen, or a lower-class criminal.
Sports cars are for men with small penises, motorcycles are for men with even smaller penises. Sedans are probably the most common type of vehicle on the road because they are practical for men who have made this mistake of raising a family. The same can be said for SUVs or “crossovers,” only those convey to other drivers that you’re a compromiser. This is just as bad as losing.
And then there’s America’s number one enemy – the hybrid. The hybrid is communism on four wheels. It is the most un-American, unmanly piece of malfunctioning machinery that has ever fouled up a paved road. I would rather wear a purple necktie than drive a hybrid. I would rather see Obama serve a third term than drive a hybrid. I would rather grow a beard, live in Vermont and listen to the music of John Lennon while having a discussion on the tacit rules of feng shui than drive a hybrid.
I could continue with this but each word is making me more livid. I will continue next week…
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