Your weekly horoscope for March 23rd,  2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): No, being randomly selected for a survey does not increase your chances of winning the lottery.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Your passion for the arts is getting you nowhere. Seriously consider switching majors before it’s too late.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Recently you’ve been very patient with someone who’s been pushing your buttons, but that patience is wearing thin so maybe start wearing clothing with zippers.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): It feels like you have a lot on your plate right now; maybe lay off the all-you-can-eat buffets.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): No one has told you that you’re beautiful lately but don’t be discouraged! It’s because they want to be more honest with you.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Productivity has been going south for you. This might be because you keep checking your horoscope at work.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Someone has been trying to open up to you lately. I think it’s that old dude who works at Rite Aid and makes too much eye contact. Maybe think about switching drug stores.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Nice turn signal, jackass.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Exploring the unfamiliar can feel rewarding and enlightening. Just make sure he wears a condom.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): People don’t like the Olive Garden vomit story, stop telling it.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Always remember that there’s nothing gravy can’t fix.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Later this week you will discover the true value of something. Like your house when it forecloses.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.