Revolutionary Weight Loss Pill Transfers Unwanted Fat To Someone Else

Lipodexx, a new, highly advanced weight loss drug, became available in pharmacies all across the country this week with its revolutionary procedure of transferring body fat to other people.

Mercudyne, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Lipodexx, has not released any information on how the drug works. Some speculate it’s through a breakthrough quantum technology, while others believe magic is at work.

Results vary for each person depending on their height, weight, and sexual orientation. For every pound that someone on the drug loses, a different person somewhere else in the world gains. The person who gains the weight has no connection to the person who loses it.

“It’s completely random,” said Mercudyne spokesperson Gary Charzard. “Someone will take Lipodexx and lose thirty pounds in a week, and then someone in a completely different part of the world will wake up an extra thirty pounds heavier.”

Many Americans applaud the new drug for being exactly what they’re looking for – it doesn’t solve their problem, but it does push it onto someone else.

“I’ve tried everything to lose weight,” says Millicent Torruso, a lifelong overweight person. “I’ve tried exercising, I’ve tried surgery, I’ve tried Satanism, I’ve tried a weight loss cult that required me to swallow magnets and rub crystals all over my body, but nothing worked. I don’t know what happens to the fat, and I don’t care.”

Mercudyne has developed a number of other experimental drugs, including a birth control pill that also makes your sexual partner infertile, a painkiller that erases traumatic memories, and a cough syrup that makes your voice hilariously high pitched. Lipodexx, however, is the first drug of theirs to hit the market.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Quantum Fast Food Chain Allows Customers to Eat Their Food Before Ordering

The fast food franchise “Quantum Burger” has taken the nation by storm with its new ordering system that allows customers to eat their meals before they can even order them. This revolution in fast food production has put the up-and-coming burger joint at the head of the competition, earning itself the slogan, “The Fastest Burgers You’ll Ever Have (And Possibly Not Have Simultaneously).”

“It’s an amazing idea and I can’t believe it’s taken this long,” says Quantum Burger diner Alex Seleto. “What I love is that I can determine whether or not I enjoy my food before I decide what I want to get. So like if I decide after eating my burger that I didn’t like the pickles, I can tell them that when I order and the burger they make for me, which I just ate, won’t have had any pickles on it.”

Despite Quantum Burger’s rapid growth in the market, there are a number of kinks in the system that still need to be worked out. Ingredients will appear seemingly at random, for example, or the burgers might heat up spontaneously, forcing customers to wait for them to cool for an undefined amount of time.

“I mean, the system isn’t perfect,” said Quantum Burger spokesperson Gayle Masterson. “We’ll be the first to admit that. But given the billions we invested in our Meat Collision Accelerator, I think the positive outcomes outweigh the negative outcomes. Although those outcomes do seem to change every time we observe them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.