SPECIAL REPORT: Weight Loss

Americans are as obsessed with losing weight as they are with unintentionally gaining it. Each year, millions of Americans are killed because of weight loss regimens that are too extreme, too untested, or too volcanic. To investigate the dangers of losing weight, Circus Killer News persuaded Mica Raszbo, one of its most expendable reporters, to try out a few different methods of getting thin.

The first weight loss method that Mica tried out was dieting. He went on a “Green” diet in which he could only eat green foods, but Mica kept getting sick because he would just eat green Skittles. Mica then tried the “Fist Hunter” diet where he was only allowed to eat animals that he could both ride and kill with his bare hands. This proved to be an excellent means of losing weight for Mica because he ended up not eating anything for seven days. Lastly, Mica went on a diet called “Holes for Goals” where he was only permitted to eat foods with holes in them, such as bagels, Swiss cheese, and DVDs. This was the most nutritious diet by far.

There are a lot of different weight loss drugs on the market, but because there is no agency in the United States that regulates food and drugs, it’s impossible to know for certain which weight loss drugs are safe, and which ones are highly explosive. We mixed a bunch of different weight less pills into Mica’s lunch without his knowledge to see how his body would react. After about thirty minutes, he began vomiting on everything nearby. He also lost his vision, convulsed uncontrollably, and started speaking fluent Portuguese, which is a language that he didn’t know before. Also his right hand completely fell off, so he did technically loose about fifteen pounds.

As we accompanied Mica to a hospital to get his hand reattached, we inquired about surgical weight loss options. Since bones are the heaviest part of your body, the smartest surgical option would be a simple bone removal, where they take out some of the bones that you aren’t using. Another option is an organ reduction; we only use 10% of our brains, so slicing out that unused 90% will help you get rid of any excess brain-weight that you might be carrying with you. We went ahead and signed up Mica for both of the procedures while he was passed out.

This left only one more weight loss measure for Mica to test out: exercise. We gave Mica a gym membership so that he could start pumping iron, treading mills, and doing that thing Chuck Norris does in that commercial, but he never used his membership. Ever since he was brought home from the hospital, he’s done nothing but lay in bed as a drooling, motionless, unresponsive pool of human soup. That gym membership was pretty expensive, so Circus Killer News is now suing Mica for everything he has.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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12 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Cool

Everyone wants to be cool, but like money or a good head of hair, coolness is impossible to obtain unless you’re born with it. Fortunately people are idiots, so tricking them into thinking you’re a cool person isn’t all that difficult. Just make sure that you follow these simple tips.

 

1. Fashion is a primary indicator of coolness, and it’s always changing. Try to keep up with the latest fashion trends by watching teenagers from behind a bush.

2. Protesting is really in right now, so pretend like you care about something other than yourself.

3. Tattoos are only cool if you have only one and it’s of a bird or a triangle or something. Never get a tattoo that people have to read. Reading is for dorks.

4. The type of phone you use says a lot about how cool you are. iPhones are the coolest, but keep in mind that your next phone can only be an iPhone if your current phone is an iPhone. That’s how cool they are.

5. Feign bisexuality.

6. Choose your career wisely. Right now the coolest professions are actor, sex worker, and YouTube vlogger, while the most un-cool professions are reporter, President, and comedy blogger.

7. Be in a band, but only as a hobby.

8. The nerdy things of the past have become the cool things of the present, i.e. superheroes and video games. Get a leg-up on the cool things of the future by hoarding the nerdy things of now, i.e. Facebook accounts and anything from Japan.

9. Start familiarizing yourself with music performed by people who wear things that can’t legally be considered clothing.

10. Make up words that have no meaning, but say it with enough confidence that people want to copy you. It’s the best way to flipshop your bumskibibble.

11. Elective dietary restrictions are really cool right now. Pick a delicious thing and make up a reason for why you can’t have it.

12. Vape.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Kim Kardashian Might Have Just Eaten Fruit

Kim Kardashian, famous for being the only famous person who has no reason to be famous, was seen just moments ago biting into some sort of fruit. A team of nutritionists and food experts has gathered to determine exactly what fruit this might have been, though early reports speculate it to be a pomegranate.

This sudden alteration in Kim’s typical diet of lettuce, ice cubes and paper has frenzied Kardashiologists everywhere. Some believe that the reality show star was only trying to test its toughness, while others think this might be the beginning of a brand new Kim.

“Kim’s been going through a lot of changes since her marriage,” says Dawn Wilkes, a middle-aged woman who has been studying the starlet since giving up on herself. “Marriage changes a woman, and I know that from having read about it.”

In other news, pomegranate sales have spiked since this morning.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.