12 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Cool

Everyone wants to be cool, but like money or a good head of hair, coolness is impossible to obtain unless you’re born with it. Fortunately people are idiots, so tricking them into thinking you’re a cool person isn’t all that difficult. Just make sure that you follow these simple tips.

 

1. Fashion is a primary indicator of coolness, and it’s always changing. Try to keep up with the latest fashion trends by watching teenagers from behind a bush.

2. Protesting is really in right now, so pretend like you care about something other than yourself.

3. Tattoos are only cool if you have only one and it’s of a bird or a triangle or something. Never get a tattoo that people have to read. Reading is for dorks.

4. The type of phone you use says a lot about how cool you are. iPhones are the coolest, but keep in mind that your next phone can only be an iPhone if your current phone is an iPhone. That’s how cool they are.

5. Feign bisexuality.

6. Choose your career wisely. Right now the coolest professions are actor, sex worker, and YouTube vlogger, while the most un-cool professions are reporter, President, and comedy blogger.

7. Be in a band, but only as a hobby.

8. The nerdy things of the past have become the cool things of the present, i.e. superheroes and video games. Get a leg-up on the cool things of the future by hoarding the nerdy things of now, i.e. Facebook accounts and anything from Japan.

9. Start familiarizing yourself with music performed by people who wear things that can’t legally be considered clothing.

10. Make up words that have no meaning, but say it with enough confidence that people want to copy you. It’s the best way to flipshop your bumskibibble.

11. Elective dietary restrictions are really cool right now. Pick a delicious thing and make up a reason for why you can’t have it.

12. Vape.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #12 – What are Some Ways I Can Achieve that Perfect Summer Swimsuit Body?

Happy Thursday! Im Brittany von Beuren and I am the official Circus Killer relationship expert nd spiritual advisor. I answer your questions every week

So this week my question comes form a fan of mine in new jersey. She writes…

 

Question: Dear Brittany, summer is quickly approaching which for me means feeling ashamed every time I go to the pool or the beach. Ever since I was about 15 I haven’t been able to wear a bikini because I haven’t felt good enough about my weight. I’m not overly overweight or anything, I just keep seeing the girls and women who are thinner than me and it makes me embarrassed to be out there with them. Every year I tell myself I’m going to be like them next summer, but no matter what I do I never hit my target weight. Do you have any tips for staying in shape for beach season?

 

Answer: This is issue that playgs hundreds of women cross america so im glad you aksed. Ive nown women who were so a shamed of there bodys that they ended up be coming actresses so I no the affects it can have.

So a lotta woman will tell you that its societies fawlt for making you feel fat. They say that becos movies and tv tells you that you gotta look a certen way thats why you feel like you have to look that way and act that way. Dont let these women fool you tho becos there just jellus of what little looks you do have. It defnitly is your own fawlt for not bean buetiful and u should feel bad for not bean better then what you now are. But luckly its ok! Im here to fix that!

So your first step is gonna be to stop eating. Food genarrates fat so if you dont eat at all you can never get fat! Just get newtriants the way aminals do by suckling on leeves and dirt and sunlite. Nature helps you be come a naturely buetiful body returning to it is the best way to be come a naturel buety.

Next your gonna wanna exersise. Now before you say it I know.. working out is hard! And it rarely works out. But there are thinks you can do to re ward your self for doing a good job at it. So for a sample like I like to prawemis my self that I wont make fun of a ugly person until I run at leest 2 miles in a place that nayberhood dads can see my chest, or ill say that im gonna eat 1 blue berry after working out my arms in giving at leest 5 hand jobs.

Of coarse if nun of these work you can all ways re sort to sirjury. Theres no shame in doing it, ive had so many operayshins done its like more then I can count on my fingers and toes, none of which are the wons I originaly started with. Its not that a spensive if you know who to exploit or black mail and it can give you litteraly any body you want, litteraly any won. I used to be friends with the little japaneese school girl that ended up be coming jayden smith.

 

Okay so thats all the time I have for today! Besure to keep writing me your questions and i will get to answering them evenutlaly! By for now!! 🙂 ❤

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Kim Kardashian Might Have Just Eaten Fruit

Kim Kardashian, famous for being the only famous person who has no reason to be famous, was seen just moments ago biting into some sort of fruit. A team of nutritionists and food experts has gathered to determine exactly what fruit this might have been, though early reports speculate it to be a pomegranate.

This sudden alteration in Kim’s typical diet of lettuce, ice cubes and paper has frenzied Kardashiologists everywhere. Some believe that the reality show star was only trying to test its toughness, while others think this might be the beginning of a brand new Kim.

“Kim’s been going through a lot of changes since her marriage,” says Dawn Wilkes, a middle-aged woman who has been studying the starlet since giving up on herself. “Marriage changes a woman, and I know that from having read about it.”

In other news, pomegranate sales have spiked since this morning.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.