Everyone wants to be cool, but like money or a good head of hair, coolness is impossible to obtain unless you’re born with it. Fortunately people are idiots, so tricking them into thinking you’re a cool person isn’t all that difficult. Just make sure that you follow these simple tips.
1. Fashion is a primary indicator of coolness, and it’s always changing. Try to keep up with the latest fashion trends by watching teenagers from behind a bush.
2. Protesting is really in right now, so pretend like you care about something other than yourself.
3. Tattoos are only cool if you have only one and it’s of a bird or a triangle or something. Never get a tattoo that people have to read. Reading is for dorks.
4. The type of phone you use says a lot about how cool you are. iPhones are the coolest, but keep in mind that your next phone can only be an iPhone if your current phone is an iPhone. That’s how cool they are.
5. Feign bisexuality.
6. Choose your career wisely. Right now the coolest professions are actor, sex worker, and YouTube vlogger, while the most un-cool professions are reporter, President, and comedy blogger.
7. Be in a band, but only as a hobby.
8. The nerdy things of the past have become the cool things of the present, i.e. superheroes and video games. Get a leg-up on the cool things of the future by hoarding the nerdy things of now, i.e. Facebook accounts and anything from Japan.
9. Start familiarizing yourself with music performed by people who wear things that can’t legally be considered clothing.
10. Make up words that have no meaning, but say it with enough confidence that people want to copy you. It’s the best way to flipshop your bumskibibble.
11. Elective dietary restrictions are really cool right now. Pick a delicious thing and make up a reason for why you can’t have it.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.