Town Protests Sacrilegious Friendship Between Dog, Cat

Violent protests broke out yesterday in the small town of Wenesauken, Indiana, when locals discovered that a family in their community recently brought home a cat to keep as a pet. The family, known as the Burken’s, brought the cat home despite already owning a dog.

“It’s an abomination,” said Wenesauken dog owner Sandra Glennech. “You start letting dogs and cats live under the same roof and next it’ll be gophers and groundhogs, or birds and dead people.”

Dog owners rallied together to protest the abnormal living situation on the Burken’s front lawn holding handmade signs that read, “Canine Supremacy,” “Dog Lover And Proud,” and “We Want Kibble, Not Your Interspecies Drivel.”

Shortly after the dog owner protesters appeared, a group of cat owners showed up to also protest the unusual animal friendship, but also to counter-protest the dog owners at the same time. A screaming match started between these two large groups of unemployed people.

Soon afterward, owners of various exotic pets arrived to counter-protest both sides and preach a message of interspecies unity. This third mass of people was followed shortly by the appearance of a fourth group made up of people who do not own any pets and believe pet ownership to be a form of slavery.

After several hours, the four-way protest erupted into a massive brawl on and around the Burken’s property. Dog owners whipped leashes around, cat owners threw sand in people’s eyes, exotic pet owners jammed bird seed down people’s throats, and non-pet-owners tossed paint around and wildly stabbed everyone they could.

Authorities were finally able to clear up the violence. So far, eight people have been confirmed dead and another fifty-nine are reportedly injured. The Burken’s were not home.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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12 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Cool

Everyone wants to be cool, but like money or a good head of hair, coolness is impossible to obtain unless you’re born with it. Fortunately people are idiots, so tricking them into thinking you’re a cool person isn’t all that difficult. Just make sure that you follow these simple tips.

 

1. Fashion is a primary indicator of coolness, and it’s always changing. Try to keep up with the latest fashion trends by watching teenagers from behind a bush.

2. Protesting is really in right now, so pretend like you care about something other than yourself.

3. Tattoos are only cool if you have only one and it’s of a bird or a triangle or something. Never get a tattoo that people have to read. Reading is for dorks.

4. The type of phone you use says a lot about how cool you are. iPhones are the coolest, but keep in mind that your next phone can only be an iPhone if your current phone is an iPhone. That’s how cool they are.

5. Feign bisexuality.

6. Choose your career wisely. Right now the coolest professions are actor, sex worker, and YouTube vlogger, while the most un-cool professions are reporter, President, and comedy blogger.

7. Be in a band, but only as a hobby.

8. The nerdy things of the past have become the cool things of the present, i.e. superheroes and video games. Get a leg-up on the cool things of the future by hoarding the nerdy things of now, i.e. Facebook accounts and anything from Japan.

9. Start familiarizing yourself with music performed by people who wear things that can’t legally be considered clothing.

10. Make up words that have no meaning, but say it with enough confidence that people want to copy you. It’s the best way to flipshop your bumskibibble.

11. Elective dietary restrictions are really cool right now. Pick a delicious thing and make up a reason for why you can’t have it.

12. Vape.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Protestors Begin Protesting Protests

Violent and nonviolent protests alike have been cropping up across the United States for issues including racial discrimination, homosexual rights and the deletion of Joss Whedon’s Twitter account. Many protestors, however, have gathered to protest the drastic increase of public demonstrations that are growing more and more commonplace in America every day.

“We’re getting sick of this being the only thing we see on the news,” says protestor Gayle Sweeney, one of the founders of Protestors Protest Protesting (PPP). “I want to get back to seeing the news that actually matters, like pregnant celebrities and cats who know how to dial 911, and that isn’t going to happen until these people put down their signs, go back inside and just watch TV like they should.”

“Last night, I wanted to treat myself to a night out at Chili’s,” says Baltimore resident and PPP member Garry Zucker. “I drove two blocks before hitting a mob that completely blocked the streets. If that happened when I was going to work, that’d be great. But it’s only when I’m trying to go somewhere that I actually want to be. It needs to stop.”

The PPP has showed up at several demonstrations, including a rally of religious conservatives who had gathered in D.C. to protest the Supreme Court marriage equality vote. Unfortunately a rally of marriage equality supporters had already showed up across the street from the marriage equality protestors, so the PPP was forced to share the middle of the road in between the two sides of protestors with the D.C. police who had showed up to contain the protesting. The amorphous blob of shouting and protesting eventually fused into one combined protest against the lack of order, personal space and bathrooms at all public demonstrations.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Racially Motivated Riots Becoming Nation’s Newest Fitness Crave

Violent protests and racially charged riots are breaking out across the United States, and some Americans have found a means of using this chaos to their advantage. A decent percentage of the protestors, both black and white, have admitted they only participate in the riots to get some exercise.

“It just works for me,” says Carla Newton, one of the protestors in Ferguson. “I never have time to get to the gym, so instead I just run home from work, join a mob and toss a few bricks through some windows. It’s a really invigorating workout.”

The protests have spread to Los Angeles and have caught on quickly due to the city’s prominent fitness crowd. The true meaning of the protests, however, is lost on many of the new rioters.

“I’d be lying if I said I knew what the start of all this was,” says Ramon McNeil, a Los Angeles native who takes part in the riots whenever he can. “All I know is that flipping a car over with your buddies is a lot cheaper and a lot more fun than lifting weights at a gym or workout center.”

Many Americans who are passionate about the racial discrimination and police brutality issues are disgusted by the participation of America’s fitness nuts. In an effort to disassociate from the health crowd, some of the original protestors have stopped their violent demonstrations and begun practicing more peaceful ones. Authorities have caught onto this and have been instructed to only pacify protestors wearing sweatbands and gym shorts.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

99.9% of Germs Occupying Woman’s Stomach in Protest of the .1%

An onslaught of diseases and bacteria have gathered within the stomach of Oregon resident Joan Ortega in protest of the .1% of germs that sanitizers and cleaning agents won’t wipe away. Joan became aware of the aggressive movement on Monday after a series of aggressive movements occurring within her own digestive tract over the weekend.

The “Occupy A Stomach” campaign is a grassroots organization that aims to bring to light the inequality between the .1% of germs that are too powerful to be kept at bay with traditional sanitizers, and the 99.9% that don’t have the opportunity to cling to people’s hands and other surfaces. The campaign has grown into a huge success due to the use of infections that have gone viral.

Joan’s stomach was chosen as the site for the protest because of her weak constitution. She has been attempting to subdue the protesters by hosing them down with broth and ginger ale, but so far this hasn’t discouraged the germs. The .1%, on the other hand, has not taken any action against the Occupy movement since most of those germs are presently killing Joan from the inside out.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.