Insecure Coworker Ready For Halloween

Office manager Wade Mikael of Bedhurst, Delaware, has reportedly spent the day demonstrating to his coworkers that he is already prepared for this year’s Halloween. Wade has been distracting his coworkers by sharing pictures of his decorations and costumes, and expressing his contemptible interest in the child’s holiday.

“I was sitting at my desk, trying to write my T.P.S. report,” says coworker Mandy Hoffe, “when Wade appeared with his iPhone and shows me so many goddamn photos of his house. I mean, yeah, it was impressive how many skeletons and spiders and cutouts he had up, but really, who gives a shit?”

Wade expressed to another coworker, Dawn Somner, that he had purchased eleven different Halloween costumes because he couldn’t decide what he wanted.

“If you’re that into Halloween,” says Dawn, “then you make one homemade costume each year, and that’s it. This is just sad.”

Some of Wade’s coworkers recall that Halloween was a big thing for him and his wife Alice for the last few years, but they split up over the summer. No one in the office is looking forward to Wade’s annual Halloween party at the end of the month.

“It’s going to be the most awkward party I’ve ever been to,” says Dawn. “Well, the most awkward party on land, anyway. I think most of us just aren’t going. There’s only so much sympathy that we as human beings can feign, you know?”

Wade bombarded Greg from accounting with photos of his decorations, stories of where he obtained them and how much they cost, and assurances that this year’s Halloween party is going to be the best one ever. This proved to be the height of the day’s awkwardness, as Wade is still unaware that his wife Alice is currently living with Greg, and that they’ve been lovers for almost a year.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.