Patriots

Patriots Cheat to Win Super Bowl Using Divine Intervention

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Super Bowl XLIX took place yesterday with the New England Patriots beating the Seattle Seahawks 28 to 24, however the Patriots’ win was met with outrage this morning when it came to light that members of the team had been praying to God to assure their victory.

It was confirmed that every one of the players spent a considerable amount of time praying to God before the game. Additionally, quarterback Tom Brady reportedly led the team in a prayer in the locker room moments before coming out onto the field.

Although this was a clear violation of the NFL’s policy on performance enhancements, the news did not come as a shock to most football fans. This has been the third time that the Patriots have cheated this season. The most recent time was during the NFC championship game in which members of the coaching staff deflated all 12 footballs that the team used throughout the game. The first account of cheating by the Patriots this season was when they were caught using mind control devices to help win a game against the Green Bay Packers in early October.

Agitated Seahawks fans are demanding blood but the League refuses to acknowledge the act as a form of cheating.

“There is nothing in the rules that forbid the usage of divine intervention during an official game,” said NFL spokesman Chad M. Matthews. “There’s a stipulation about witchcraft, the occult and several Hindu gods for some reason, but nothing about using the Almighty.”

God Himself has yet to respond to the allegations but is rumored to have been spotted attending the Super Bowl wearing a Patriots hat. This, however, has not been confirmed.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Fans Spend Weekend Denying Things and Providing Unclear Answers in Support of Tom Brady

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Recently it was discovered that the footballs used by the Patriots to win the AFC championship were not inflated to regulation standards. Blame fell to quarterback Tom Brady, who during a press conference denied having an active part in the scandal. To honor their beloved sports hero, fans of the New England Patriots spent the weekend denying everything that they could.

Ryan O’Leary, of Boston, was one such man. Brian was pulled over for driving through a red light at a busy intersection. When asked why he did this, Ryan denied both seeing the light and knowing what it was for.

Another of these fans was Meagan McMurphy, also a Boston native, who denied knowing what handicap parking spaces are for and that parking meters needed quarters to work.

Other Patriots fans are copying their athletic idol by providing detailed descriptions of the state of their balls. Patrick Kirkpatrick, the head of a small distribution company in Boston, called a staff meeting early this morning to talk to his employees about proper ball maintenance.

“Make sure your balls are fully functional before handling them,” Kirkpatrick said. “If your balls aren’t up to standards then put them away and use a friend’s.”

Many children who look up to Tom Brady as a role model have begun taking after the quarterback as well. On average, a record low 11% of grade school students in Boston did not turn in any homework today, claiming to have not known that anything was due. This is a dramatic drop compared to the average of 26% of Boston grade school students who turn in homework regularly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.