Meteorologists Predict Unusually Depressing Winter

Meteorologists across the United States are reporting that this winter is going to be more depressing and disappointing than usual, and could potentially be the most melancholic winter in recorded history.

“We’ve been tracking all sorts of trends,” says Dan Grenowitz, a meteorologist with the National Weather Institute. “By our estimates, this is shaping up to be the saddest, loneliness winter we’ve ever seen.”

Grenowitz says that much of the nation can expect to face record low levels of self-esteem over the next few months, while other areas can expect up to five inches of malaise every week. He recommends that cities start preparing for unprecedented downfalls of woeful dread that could hit as early as mid-November.

“We might even start seeing sadness in parts of the country that almost never get sad,” says Grenowitz, “but the global climate is shifting, and winters in America are just going to keep getting more and more sorrowful as the years go on.”

Many Americans are gearing up as best as they can for an unusually despondent winter, but many still haven’t recovered from last year’s record-breaking ennui.

“I can’t even imagine a winter more depressing than last year,” says Mercedes Plaith, a Pennsylvania native whose house was damaged last winter by a devastating amount of misery and despair. “We just finished redoing the roof from all the dreariness we got last February, and now they’re saying it’s going to be even worse this year. Someone needs to do something.”

Grenowitz says that the National Weather Institute is trying to develop new methods for detecting dread and despair that will give locals more time to prepare and evacuate in the event of an oncoming melancholy.

“We’re still years away from where we need to be, in terms of detection,” says Grenowitz. “Even my therapist says we should just give up trying.”

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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12 Ways To Enjoy Valentine’s Day While Single

Valentine’s Day is a great way for taken women to feel cherished and for taken men to feel poor. For the single word, however, Valentine’s Day can be an abysmal reminder that loneliness is the only true constant in the universe. Here are some tips you can use to stave those terrible thoughts away this Tuesday.

 

1. Tell people you’re refusing to celebrate this year because we shouldn’t take any focus off of Black History Month.

2. Spend the day with another single friend and see if your outbursts of bipolar depression sync up.

3. Eat enough chocolate to put yourself in a coma for the whole day.

4. Put some thought into that yearly Facebook post where you slam Valentine’s Day for being a made-up holiday used by Big Chocolate to increase their first quarter profits.

5. Masturbate.

6. Perform chores and errands that most people wouldn’t do on Valentine’s Day, such as doing your taxes, organizing your garage, writing your manifesto, etc.

7. Avoid Jen’s desk.

8. Visit a bar to prove to yourself that other people are just as alone and dysfunctional as you.

9. Tell yourself that you’re going to start working out so that you don’t wind up in the same situation next Valentine’s Day, and then assure yourself that this week isn’t a good time to start.

10. In the days before February 14th, place electrodes around your body that shock you each time you think of an ex. By the time Valentine’s Day arrives you’ll either be cured of your lingering feelings or go on a homicidal rampage.

11. Work on your erotic science fiction novella.

12. Go back in time and kill St. Valentine before he gets all those snakes out of Mary’s uterus or whatever it is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.