Idiot Nephew Admits Fondness of Second Star Wars Trilogy

Eight-year-old Martin Browning reportedly told family members that he actually enjoyed the second Star Wars trilogy after arriving at his aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving yesterday night. The news shocked hosts Lindsey and Paul Lefkowitz who have concluded that their nephew must be a simpleton.

“I can’t believe my own sister would raise her child so misguidedly,” said Lindsey. “The problem has to be with Martin. I remember he’s never been too bright.”

Lindsey was particularly concerned knowing that Martin would be spending a lot of time with her four-year-old son Daniel.

“I won’t have my son playing with him,” Lindsey continued, “until that boy understands the error of his ways and turns from them.”

Paul, meanwhile, blames Martin’s parents for raising him in the wrong environment. “The school they send Martin to doesn’t even teach about the Force,” said Paul. “It’s no wonder the kid’s been led astray.”

Lindsey and Paul have promised each other not to bring it up to Martin or his parents directly, feeling that it’s not their place to say. Instead, the two will meditate on it and hope that Martin finds his path on his own.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Member of Friend Group Mistakenly Winds Up at Wrong TGI Friday’s, Becomes Joke of the Evening

Darian Wynters, a 32 year old accountant from Massachusetts, received relentless scrutiny from his friends last night when he showed up for dinner at the incorrect TGI Friday’s. Darian spent much of the night and this morning trying to recover from the incident, completely certain that he’ll never live it down as long as he lives.

The confusion started when Tanya, a member of the friend group, posted in the group’s Facebook Messenger thread a few hours beforehand that she wanted to meet at the Friday’s on 5th instead of the one they usually frequent on Riverside Drive. This is because the one on 5th is closer to Tanya’s house and she didn’t want to leave her baby home with a sitter for too long. This struck controversy within the group, and the rest of the afternoon saw a heated debate on the thread over the pros and cons of switching venues.

Finally, Alex laid down the law with a group text that read “guys seroiusly im going to riverside join me if u want too,” which Darian did not receive because frequent weighing in on the Facebook conversation had drained the battery on his phone. He showed up at the one on 5th and waited for thirty-five minutes before trying Riverside, and found that he had missed out on most of the night.

The rest of the evening was spent making fun of Darian. Darian smiled and laughed along with his friends, but each crack at his mistake weakened his resolve. The ordeal was particularly embarrassing for Darian when he found out that in his absence, Alex had bonded with Christina’s friend Miranda, who has been the focus of Darian’s romantic hopes in recent weeks.

Earlier this morning, Darian called the police to report the incident but nobody took him seriously. He has begun writing a book about the shocking act of depravity, titled “Me, My Quesadilla Sampler and I: A Survival Story.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.