Jesus

10 Common Dreams And What They Mean

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Dreams are one of the most peculiar functions of the human brain. People will often look for complex or even mystical meanings behind their dreams, but dreams are much simpler than people make them out to be. This is because every function of the human body, including dreams, relates to sex, food, death, and nothing else.

 

Flying – Flying, floating, and levitating are all very common dreams. Some people even claim to feel the sensation that they’re flying when they’re awake and on an airplane. If you have a dream that you can fly, it probably just means you have gas.

Falling – Unlike flying dreams, falling is when you’re plummeting through the air and have no control over it. Falling dreams mean that your spouse is having an affair with their sky diving instructor.

Teeth Falling Out – Dreams about losing teeth, hair, pancreases, and other body parts are common among people who are stressed out. These dreams usually mean that a spider is crawling into your open mouth at that very moment.

Back In High School – This is one of the most common dreams for people in their thirties. If you recently had a dream that you were back in high school then the person you lost your virginity to has just died.

Sex Dream – Though it’s a common mistake, sex dreams actually have nothing to do with sex. They usually just mean you’re a terrible, wicked human being and that you desperately need Jesus in your life.

Being Chased By Something – These are more like nightmares than dreams. Some scientists say that they are a precursor to paranoia, but others believe they are due to mind control microwaves that the government is blasting into your home from that unmarked van across the street.

Getting Your Mind Hacked Into – These aren’t dreams, they’re memories. You’ve been incepted.

Your Own Death – Many people have dreams about when and how they will die, but these dreams are almost never accurate. In truth, dreams about your own death mean that you’re pregnant, or have just gotten someone pregnant.

Someone Else’s Death – Unlike dreaming about your own death, this type of dream is completely real. Start saying your goodbyes.

William H. Macy – Humans have been having dreams about William H. Macy for thousands of years. Scientists still don’t know what these dreams signify.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Community Shaken By Interfaith Nativity Scene

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The community of Red Oak, Alabama has been expressing its outrage over the last few weeks over an interfaith family’s all-inclusive nativity scene, which features figures and scenes from a myriad of different religious beliefs. One woman claimed it was the most disturbing sight she had ever beheld.

“It’s absolutely sickening, and blasphemous,” she said to a reporter as well as every stranger she came into contact with. “It’s an insult to God, and even worse, an insult to me.”

Dozens gather in the street every night to protest the scene by singing hateful Christmas carols and punching anyone who says “happy holidays.”

The hype has gotten a number of local theologians to weigh in on the issue. Greg Whittagan, the head pastor at a nearby church, says that Jesus would also have been offended by the display.

“Jesus’ message was clear,” said Pastor Whittagan, “and that message is that he was the Son of God. Any assertion that that was not true would have certainly upset Christ, and he would have used his heat-vision to destroy those who doubted him.”

The nativity scene itself does include a baby Jesus, but the other figures have been changed. The three wise men have been replaced with Moses, Buddha, and Vishnu. Joseph has been supplanted by Cthulhu, and the Virgin Mary has been swapped out for a statue of Beyoncé.

The family who set up the nativity scene says they are not fazed by the backlash.

“Freedom of religion means freedom of all religions,” said Cathy Vahaswanath, who lives in the home that put up the scene. “These people in my community are going to have to look at Moses and Buddha high-fiving and learn from that.”

The nativity scene can be found on Glennross Road in between the house with the giant cross on the front lawn, and the house that still has its Halloween decorations up.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Evidence Suggests Jesus Not Legal US Citizen

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Dr. Dales Harkin, a professor of Jesus studies at Christian American University of Christ, announced today that the famed Son of God might not actually be a legal United States citizen. Dr. Harkin suggests that because the US had not yet formed at the time that Christ was alive, it is unlikely that any American presence existed in the Middle East during Jesus’ lifetime, so He could not have applied for a citizenship.

“We as Christians like to think that Jesus celebrated the American way of life,” said Dr. Harkin, “but the perfect lifestyle that we all know and love here in America probably did not exist in Jesus’ day.”

Many Christians suggest that Jesus might have simply used his powers to time travel to the United States and acquired a citizenship then, however Dr. Harkin argues against this theory.

“If the Savior teleported here,” he said, “then He traveled to this country illegally. If He was born here and then went back in time, He couldn’t have been the Savior since biblical prophecy clearly states that the Savior has to be born in Bethlehem. Any way you slice it, He couldn’t have possibly been a legal citizen.”

Dr. Harkin’s declaration has been met with outrage across the country. Many Americans know they should be intolerant of foreigners, especially foreigners from the Middle East.

“We don’t know how to deal with this paradox right now,” said Dr. Harkin, “nor do we understand how Jesus came to be the only white person in the Middle East at that time. All we can do is pray and hope that God will send the next one to Bethlehem, PA.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Jesus Saddened by Lack of Attendance at Birthday Party

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Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of all mankind, found Himself in a state of melancholy today when none of His friends showed up for his birthday party this Christmas morning.  The Son of God invited all 2,316,077,413 Christians to the kingdom of Heaven for his birthday bash, but none made the decision to leave Earth.

The Lord Christ reportedly gave the Christian populace an ample 2,000 years to make time for his party but few actually sent in an RSVP.  Many Christians instead selfishly spent this day with their families.

Additionally, Jesus witnessed the majority of Earth’s Christians using their time today to visit church.  Christ found Himself insulted by this since a large percentage of those Christians haven’t attended church any other day this year.

Christ was forced to spend His birthday with friends of His that He’s seen every day since the beginning of eternity.  Among them are Moses who it’s impossible to order food for, Ronald Reagan whose failsafe conversation topic is bodybuilding which Christ finds super annoying, and Grilligop Zorgak of the Malitraxis System whose Fardopsis feelers are just too difficult to look at on some days.

 

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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.