Trump Signs ‘Trump Immunity’ Executive Order

Earlier today the President signed a controversial executive order known as the “Trump Immunity” order, which grants Trump and his family full immunity from any legal charges whatsoever. The order comes in response to the FBI investigation of Trump’s Russia connections.

Experts and lawmakers have come forward questioning the validity of the order, which Trump composed himself using crayons and the back of an adult color book prescribed by his anger management coach. The order is difficult to read, but from what legislators can make out it appears to exonerate anyone with the last name “Trump” for any past, present, or future crimes, and that anyone who tries to contest this will legally be declared a loser.

From the way the executive order is worded, pardons have also been granted to Trump’s family. This came as a shock to many political strategists who assumed Trump would instead legalize the actions of his family. Melania Trump, for example, married her husband and moved to America to escape being hunted in Slovenia like the other vampires. Many of her kind in the US voted for Trump thinking he would do everything he could to legalize vampirism, but instead he signed the Trump Immunity order to pardon his wife’s affliction. The pardon also forgives Eric Trump’s serial murders and Donald Trump Jr.’s various crimes against fashion.

Trump supporters across the country have been defending the order, saying the President deserves to be above the laws of mortal man anyway. White House staffers have denied the rumors that Trump only ran for office to dole out presidential pardons to himself and his family, but have confirmed the rumors that they will all soon be getting pardons as well.


Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.


College Students Killed During Shootout Between Police and Illicit Textbook-Smuggling Ring

A deadly shootout occurred this morning between police and members of an illegal textbook ring at Stanford University. 2 students were killed during the shooting with 6 more in the hospital. No police officers were harmed.

One of the students injured was 22-year-old Philip Romero who reportedly was the mastermind behind the textbook cartel. Said Romero from the hospital, “I don’t regret what I’ve done. I provided a service for struggling college students like myself. If I have to meet the full force of the law then so be it but I regret nothing.”

The FBI has been investigating this scholastic cartel since early this past fall when shipments of illegal textbooks from Columbia started going missing. It is now believed that Romero and a few of his peers hijacked the shipments to obtain textbooks needed for their classes after realizing that they wouldn’t be able to afford the textbooks legally.

Romero then began selling their surplus of textbooks on the streets, first starting with knowledge junkies and gradually moving up to high-level education distributors (or “teachers” in street slang). Halfway through last fall semester, Romero and his cartel had established a textbook empire throughout the greater Stanford area.

A truck under Romero’s control containing 20 kilos of illegal textbooks was pulled over by officer Dave Matthews this morning when he caught the driver reading behind the wheel. The shootout occurred shortly afterward. In light of the recent loss of life, the FBI has promised to step up its efforts in dismantling Romero’s organization.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Cop Lets Off Serial Killer with a Warning

Todd Hammond, a notorious serial killer who has been preying on women in the suburbs of Minneapolis, was finally caught yesterday by police officer Dennis Abernathy.  Abernathy, however, let Hammond go with a warning.

“I’ll let it slide this time,” Abernathy reportedly said.  “But don’t let me catch you doing this again or you will be in serious trouble.”

Todd Hammond was known as “The Butterfly Man” by authorities for always leaving butterfly wings near his victims. Hammond had been eluding Minnesota state detectives for months before the FBI was called in to lead the investigation in October.  The game of cat-and-mouse that ensued was interrupted this morning when Officer Abernathy pulled Hammond over for a faulty brake light and discovered dismembered body parts in his trunk and a jar of butterfly wings in his rear seat.

Hammond pleaded with Abernathy for half a minute before the officer decided to let the killer go.  Abernathy was later questioned by the federal agents leading the investigation.

“Bringing in a serial killer, there’s a lot of paperwork to fill out,” Abernathy said during his questioning.  “Usually we don’t step up our game on this sort of thing until the end of the month anyway, that’s when we’re worried about making our quota on psychopath arrests.”

Abernathy says he isn’t sure where Hammond was heading, though it’s in Hammond’s MO to leave his victims dismembered and in a public area.  If anyone in the Twin Cities region spots anything suspicious, report it at the end of the month.


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd |
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.