FBI

SPECIAL REPORT: Santa Claus

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For many Americans, Christmas is a joyous time filled with merriment, warm tidings, and credit card debt. Every year, millions of Americans gather to spend time with their families, exchange gifts, and engage in an assortment of ritualistic cult activities. But there’s a yearly terror that rears its chubby, bearded head every Christmas season, and the name of that terror is Santa Claus.

There are many conflicting reports on who Santa Claus is, and what his motives are. He’s known by many different names – Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Johnny Redcoat, Solstice Saul, The Winter Pimp, and Lap Daddy to name a few. Experts believe that having multiple identities makes it easier for Santa to cross national borders and achieve his sick goal of breaking into as many children’s homes as he possibly can.

“The truth is, we still don’t know why he does it,” said Special Agent Doug Wholfstetder who leads the FBI investigation that seeks to arrest this red-robed menace. “Sometimes he’ll try to bribe children with gifts, sometimes he’ll just eat their snacks. Whatever the reason, it needs to stop.”

Because there are many different conflicting stories about Santa’s habits and practices, the FBI is focusing on the similarities. One of those similarities is that Santa exploits slave labor as an industrialist operating out of the North Pole.

“There are virtually no regulations in the North Pole,” said Agent Wholfstetder, “which means he can do anything he wants up there. Slave labor laws don’t apply, child labor laws don’t apply, EPA regulations don’t apply. There’s some pretty strong evidence that the melting of the polar ice caps is due primarily to the exhaust of his massive arctic factory that we still can’t get into.”

Every year, thousands of Americans report seeing Santa Claus during the Christmas season. Several eyewitnesses have spotted the man at shopping malls, beckoning young children to sit on him so he can take pictures of them. What’s worse is that the authorities don’t appear to be doing anything about it.

“I come to the mall with my six-year-old every weekend to look for a husband and to expose my child to a variety of diseases so that he’ll be immune to the super bug that will wipe us out,” said Delaware mother Laura Correa. “Every time I’m there I fear for my child’s safety because security just lets these old creeps set up their Christmas traps in the middle of the mall. Maybe if mall security wasn’t so busy rejecting my advances then they would do something about it.”

So what can ordinary citizens do to avoid this mystical monster of a man? Agent Whofstetder has some tips.

“We know that he likes to get in through people’s chimneys. If you live in a home with a chimney, you’re going to want to plug it up immediately. Santa only breaks into homes with young children, so if you have any children in your home then you should set up a trap for him by leaving out milk and cookies laced with poison.”

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Santa Claus, or if you think you know his true identity, you are urged to contact the authorities immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Most Online Dating Profiles Set Up By Ostriches Trying To Trick People Into Giving Them Bird Seed, Study Finds

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According to a recent study, nearly 80% of online dating profiles are set up and run by crafty, mischievous ostriches that are trying to trick normal people into giving them birdseed. The study shows that this has been going on for over four years now, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop it.

Many online daters across the country have spoken out about the issue after the study was released, saying they were too embarrassed to say anything before.

“I got matched with a man named Eduardo Phillips,” says frequent online dater and scarf enthusiast Hanna Borgen. “We chatted for a while and every so often he would ask me if I had any birdseed. I thought he was just being quirky and weird like every other guy who uses dating sites.”

Hanna later found out that she had been chatting with an ostrich the whole time, and that this ostrich was just using her to buy birdseed.

“He started asking if I would send him birdseed through the mail. Small packages at first, then larger ones. It got to a point where I was spending hundreds of dollars a month on birdseed and shipping, and I had no idea where it was all going.”

Hanna says that whenever she had doubts about the relationship, “Eduardo” would reassure her that he was a person just like her, and that sending him birdseed was the best way she could show her love towards him.

“I felt like I could trust him, like I could confide in him,” said Hanna. “I can see now that he was just an ostrich preying on my insecurities, but it felt so real at the time.”

Hanna isn’t alone. Nearly 400,000 Americans have reported similar experiences in the last four years. Authorities are not certain if it is a single ostrich behind all these fraud cases, or a league of ostriches working together.

The FBI has issued a warning for every online dater in the United States to be on the lookout for profiles that look suspiciously like they might have been created by ostriches.

“If someone you meet online starts asking you for birdseed, the best thing you can do is to cease communicating with them,” said an FBI spokesperson this morning. “We are doing everything we can to find the ostrich or ostriches responsible.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Signs ‘Trump Immunity’ Executive Order

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Earlier today the President signed a controversial executive order known as the “Trump Immunity” order, which grants Trump and his family full immunity from any legal charges whatsoever. The order comes in response to the FBI investigation of Trump’s Russia connections.

Experts and lawmakers have come forward questioning the validity of the order, which Trump composed himself using crayons and the back of an adult color book prescribed by his anger management coach. The order is difficult to read, but from what legislators can make out it appears to exonerate anyone with the last name “Trump” for any past, present, or future crimes, and that anyone who tries to contest this will legally be declared a loser.

From the way the executive order is worded, pardons have also been granted to Trump’s family. This came as a shock to many political strategists who assumed Trump would instead legalize the actions of his family. Melania Trump, for example, married her husband and moved to America to escape being hunted in Slovenia like the other vampires. Many of her kind in the US voted for Trump thinking he would do everything he could to legalize vampirism, but instead he signed the Trump Immunity order to pardon his wife’s affliction. The pardon also forgives Eric Trump’s serial murders and Donald Trump Jr.’s various crimes against fashion.

Trump supporters across the country have been defending the order, saying the President deserves to be above the laws of mortal man anyway. White House staffers have denied the rumors that Trump only ran for office to dole out presidential pardons to himself and his family, but have confirmed the rumors that they will all soon be getting pardons as well.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

College Students Killed During Shootout Between Police and Illicit Textbook-Smuggling Ring

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A deadly shootout occurred this morning between police and members of an illegal textbook ring at Stanford University. 2 students were killed during the shooting with 6 more in the hospital. No police officers were harmed.

One of the students injured was 22-year-old Philip Romero who reportedly was the mastermind behind the textbook cartel. Said Romero from the hospital, “I don’t regret what I’ve done. I provided a service for struggling college students like myself. If I have to meet the full force of the law then so be it but I regret nothing.”

The FBI has been investigating this scholastic cartel since early this past fall when shipments of illegal textbooks from Columbia started going missing. It is now believed that Romero and a few of his peers hijacked the shipments to obtain textbooks needed for their classes after realizing that they wouldn’t be able to afford the textbooks legally.

Romero then began selling their surplus of textbooks on the streets, first starting with knowledge junkies and gradually moving up to high-level education distributors (or “teachers” in street slang). Halfway through last fall semester, Romero and his cartel had established a textbook empire throughout the greater Stanford area.

A truck under Romero’s control containing 20 kilos of illegal textbooks was pulled over by officer Dave Matthews this morning when he caught the driver reading behind the wheel. The shootout occurred shortly afterward. In light of the recent loss of life, the FBI has promised to step up its efforts in dismantling Romero’s organization.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Cop Lets Off Serial Killer with a Warning

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Todd Hammond, a notorious serial killer who has been preying on women in the suburbs of Minneapolis, was finally caught yesterday by police officer Dennis Abernathy.  Abernathy, however, let Hammond go with a warning.

“I’ll let it slide this time,” Abernathy reportedly said.  “But don’t let me catch you doing this again or you will be in serious trouble.”

Todd Hammond was known as “The Butterfly Man” by authorities for always leaving butterfly wings near his victims. Hammond had been eluding Minnesota state detectives for months before the FBI was called in to lead the investigation in October.  The game of cat-and-mouse that ensued was interrupted this morning when Officer Abernathy pulled Hammond over for a faulty brake light and discovered dismembered body parts in his trunk and a jar of butterfly wings in his rear seat.

Hammond pleaded with Abernathy for half a minute before the officer decided to let the killer go.  Abernathy was later questioned by the federal agents leading the investigation.

“Bringing in a serial killer, there’s a lot of paperwork to fill out,” Abernathy said during his questioning.  “Usually we don’t step up our game on this sort of thing until the end of the month anyway, that’s when we’re worried about making our quota on psychopath arrests.”

Abernathy says he isn’t sure where Hammond was heading, though it’s in Hammond’s MO to leave his victims dismembered and in a public area.  If anyone in the Twin Cities region spots anything suspicious, report it at the end of the month.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.