The Bizarre Truth Behind 12 Famous Company Mascots

Company mascots are always fun and engaging but sometimes they’re not as lighthearted as we think.  Here are 12 of the most famous company mascots and the strange truth behind their past and/or creation:

 

The Geico gecko has an anthropology degree from Oxford University.  He only started acting to help feed a drug addiction that he has since kicked.

The M&M’s company holds the world record for the “Most Racially Diverse Mascot Spokespeople Who Are Also Edible.”

Ronald McDonald is the product of a botched sex change operation.

The little girl on Coppertone sunscreen products grew up to be a stripper.

In the late 1960s, Aunt Jemima was a high-ranking member of the Black Panthers.

Mr. Clean is only 24 years old.  He only looks like a cartoonish old man after being exposed to low levels of radiation while growing up near Chernobyl.

The Pillsbury Doughboy shares an ancestor with Ted Bundy.

Allstate’s Dennis Haysbert was conceived in 2004 and later animated by the same people who created Pepsi’s Brittany Spears.

The red liquid inside the Kool-Aid man isn’t Kool-Aid, it’s human blood.

Tony the Tiger is a former Black Water mercenary with a confirmed 56 kills under his belt.

Chester Cheetah, also known as “The Cheetos Guy,” has never eaten a single Cheeto. He’s allergic to both danger and extremeness.

In the early 1950s,  a young man was abducted while wondering down an empty road at night after having just fought with his parents.  The young man’s abductor was an insane and disgraced surgeon who took the adolescent to an abandoned warehouse where he liked to perform sick experiments on animals and unsuspecting vagrants.  That night,  the surgeon completed one of his experiments that until then had failed dozens of times;  he removed the young man’s brain and successfully placed it within the body of a cow.  The young man then managed to break free and kill the surgeon but was trapped inside of a cow’s body.  After years,  the young man accepted his fate but sought vengeance further.  Two years later,  he opened the first “Chick-fil-a” restaurant,  for that evil,  insane surgeon that had ruined his life and turned him into a freak forever…  was a chicken.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

15 Things to Expect in 2015

2014 was an excellent year for news, and we’re predicting that 2015 will be even greater. Using ultra-advanced algorithmic software and a team of highly educated news geniuses, Circus Killer generated this list of what we believe will be the biggest newsworthy events in 2015.

 

1. Flying cars.

2. Congressional gridlock that will somehow be Obama’s fault.

3. Another former high school colleague getting engaged.

4. A new health crazy will take the nation’s moms by storm.

5. Geico to introduce seven more mascots.

6. More cyber terrorist attacks by groups whose names no one will remember.

7. Eyeball piercings to increase in popularity.

8. A new app will emerge that you won’t believe you’ve survived for so long without having.

9. Nation’s sports teams will set aside their differences and put an end to their senseless squabbling.

10. Netflix to continue trying to break record for worst available titles.

11. Another Star Wars movie.

12. A plethora of contrived complaints about the new Star Wars movie.

13. Nation’s dads will attempt to perfect multitasking by groaning and scratching selves simultaneously.

14. The glorious return of Zarodax the Dark One.

15. Circus Killer’s assimilation into the mainstream media and acceptance as a household brand.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.