Lizard Men Unsettled By State Of U.S. Politics

Recent reports indicate that the secret society of lizard men who have been guiding American government and culture since the country’s inception have finally returned to Earth after being on vacation since 2015. The Reptilians left for their homeworld, Planet X, shortly before Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the presidency, and are shocked by how their project has deteriorated in the last three and a half years.

“Everything was going fine,” said Xylluriax, a lieutenant in the Nibiru Invasion Agency. “Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how humans are able to fuck things up so much in such a small amount of time.”

The NIA has been infiltrating the United States government and orchestrating world events to slowly eradicate humankind and replace it with a crossbreed of human and Reptilian creatures that will rule the Earth. It’s a highly delicate plan with no room for error, but after centuries, the lizard men needed a break.

“We put it all in the hands of Zandorrah,” continued Xylluriax, “who in the past had proven to be an excellent shapeshifter and slummus trankulator, but not a very likable person. Zandorrah had been impersonating a human for decades, and served as the U.S. Secretary of State under President Obama from 2009 to 2013.”

Zandorrah was meant to become President after Barrack Obama. Under Zandorrah’s rule, Americans were to be given free healthcare so that a mutation formula could be administered to the entire population through mandatory vaccinations. Zandorrah convinced the other Reptilians that he could accomplish this on his own, and that the rest of them deserved a relaxing break. Somehow, Zandorrah let the election slip away from him.

“Now we’re back,” said Xyllurian, “and all of our focus is on restoring Reptilian power and undoing all the damage done by the unevolved primates currently in control of Washington. Our plans should be up and running again after the 2020 election, but we’re making a strong push to get things back this November.”

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.