SPECIAL REPORT: Assholes Anonymous

A recent study found that nearly 87% of all Americans are either assholes right now or have been assholes at some point in their lives. Many assholes go their entire lives without ever knowing what they are, whereas others will recognize their problem and refuse to deal with it. A new social program, however, aims to treat those afflicted with asshole syndrome with acceptance and tolerance.

“Assholes Anonymous” is a non-profit organization that forces assholes to deal with their assholism head-on. Members gather once a week in a public place and talk about how their assholism affects the lives of themselves and their loved ones.

“I’ve been coming to AA meetings for going on seven months now,” says AA member Don Eberts. “It helps just to have people who will listen, and to know I’m not the only one suffering from a need to wear shirts with jokes on them or never use a turn signal.”

The organization was founded by Marvin Alejski, a longtime sufferer of assholism.

“My father was an asshole, he raised me to be an asshole,” says Alejski. “I know firsthand what assholism does to a family. A lot of these assholes who show up for meetings are never given a chance anywhere else. Assholes Anonymous is a safe place for assholes all across the country.”

Alejski helps fund research into the phenomenon of assholism, working closely with psychologist Dr. Amelia Luz, the world’s leading expert on assholes. Dr. Luz thinks it might even be possible to create a cure.

“The truth is, we still don’t know much about assholes,” says Dr. Luz. “We can easily identify the symptoms, for example, frequently holding up lines for no reason, ordering off menu, spending money on a bumper sticker, things like that. What we’re still unsure of, however, is what makes someone an asshole; what compels people to do such inane things.”

Treating assholes has proven to be no easy task since those afflicted with assholism are obstinate by nature. Dr. Luz says she’s seen the best results in Alejski’s program.

“Assholes Anonymous is, in my opinion, the best place that recovering assholes can go to get help,” says Dr. Luz. “The first step to beating assholism is recognizing it within yourself, and introducing yourself as an asshole to group of people who know what you’re going through. You can’t quit being an asshole unless you first acknowledge that you are one.”

As Assholes Anonymous continues to grow across the nation, more and more assholes are getting the help they need. If you or anyone you know is an asshole then don’t be afraid to seek out help. If you don’t, you’re a schmuck.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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