SPECIAL REPORT: Saxophones

All of us recognize the saxophone as the sexiest instrument in the world, but few of us know much else about it. Over 90% of Americans have no idea where saxophones come from, even though an additional 60% of Americans sleep with one under their bed every night without even realizing it. Circus Killer News sent a team of highly trained investigators to go out and learn as much as they could about that new sushi place that just opened up down the road. Meanwhile we spent five minutes looking up saxophones on the internet. Here’s what we found.

Many Americans believe that the saxophone was given to man thousands of years ago, when the biblical Abraham and his wife Sarah were having issues conceiving a child. To help out his bro, God gifted Abraham with a tenor saxophone, promising that it was a tool that would end their pregnancy problems. Abraham studied the instrument and became the greatest saxophonist who ever lived, and the sounds of that magnificent brass horn were so erotic that it made Sarah pregnant the first time he played it in front of her.

While that tale is highly plausible, science shows us that it isn’t true. We now know that saxophones are created in supernova explosions, and that millions of saxophones rain down on this planet every 63,000 years in a span of five minutes. The first saxophones were found by archeologist Dr. Esteban von Sax while digging holes in the ground to hide from bullies. Dr. Sax first thought that he found strange, misshapen dinosaurs, but when he placed his mouth on the end of one – as any archeologist would – he discovered that the beautiful brass shape that he found in the dirt was actually a majestic musical instrument. This is where the saxophone got the nicknames, “dirt horn,” “brass fossil,” and “dirty brass prehistoric mystical shape organ from the dirt.”

There are many different types of saxophones, including alto, tenor, bass, piano, unleaded, semi-automatic, and trans. Each one controls a different element of nature. Only The Sage – a master saxophonist who appears once a generation – can wield all of them. The Sage is the deadliest man on Earth with a saxophone, and he never uses his powers for good. Ever.

The average saxophone has thirty-two keys, plus four wisdom keys that sometimes appear during young adulthood. The price of a saxophone is determined by how loudly its keys jingle and jangle about in the wind. When played, each key of the saxophone is pressed down to unlock a different piece of the player’s soul. If every key is pressed at the same time then the player’s soul is instantly ejected from his or her body, and they must use the instrument to suck it back in before they die.

We’re learning more and more about saxophones every day, but they remain to be one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. If you or someone you know has seen a saxophone lately, contact the authorities immediately.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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