Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future, every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet. Here are this week’s stories:
1. December 4th, 2068 – NASA Scientist Believes Alien Life Could Be Discovered Any Minute Now
NASA Scientist Jill Forrester announced yesterday that she believes alien life could be discovered “any minute now” during a press conference with a panel of NASA’s top scientists. The search for extraterrestrial life has been part of NASA’s mission for some time now, however it has thus far yielded no results. Forrester assured everyone that the search is definitely nearing an end, and that “there’s gotta be microbes or something on one of these other damn planets, really.”
2. August 1st, 2104 – Eating Chocolate in Bed No Longer a Sin, Says Pope
Pope George made an historic announcement yesterday when he decreed that eating chocolate in bed is in fact not a sinful act. Many Catholics around the world were relieved by this news; studies indicate that 7 out of every 10 people who keep a bar of emergency backup chocolate on their nightstand end up devouring it within just 3 days. Numerous members of the Catholic Church have spoken out against Pope George, saying he’s too lenient on the rules and that if people don’t feel guilty over these sorts of things they’ll no longer be pressured into sticking with their beliefs. Since the announcement, the Pope has continuously supported chocolate eaters by citing the newest biblical translation which replaces the word “salvation” with “chocolate.”
3. Shmovember 39th, 4681 – Positronic Fuel Rod Prices Hit All Time High
Positronic fuel rod prices shot up to an all time high over the weekend at just over 3.8 million galactic credits for one rod. People across the galaxy have sworn to boycott this increasingly inefficient fuel source and are pleading with the galaxy’s best minds to devise a source of energy that is cheap, renewable and doesn’t switch the polarity of a quantum electrostasis hypersphere engine every time it needs to be replaced. Many Worlders have begun reverting back to the ancient fuel sources of our ancestors like oil, solar, garbage and racism, but none of these things can be mass-produced for the tens of billions who commute to other star systems every day. All are hopeful that a solution can be found before the galaxy’s annual Fleefing.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.