Catholic Church Makes Push For Millennial Followers

It’s no secret that younger generations are becoming more secular. Torture, indoctrination, and other old methods of conversion are sadly unacceptable in modern society, and many religious institutions are struggling to keep up. The Catholic Church, however, appears to have found a solution.

“Young people live in a world of instant gratification,” says Father Tolladay, the Church’s most tech-savvy priest. “They don’t want to work for salvation, they want it as fast as it takes them to swipe right.”

Father Tolladay has created an app called “uMass,” which leads its users in daily prayers and important rites, so that people don’t have to interrupt their busy, sinful lives in order to be saved. uMass also allows for easy, digital confessions.

“Simply navigate to the confessionals screen and select the sins you’ve committed from a wide array of options. It has everything from pettier sins like lying and stealing, to more intense sins like masturbating in a movie theater or selling your daughter’s dirty socks on the internet. Whichever sins you’ve committed, uMass will calculate exactly what prayers you need to say in order to have them forgiven.”

The app hasn’t dropped yet, but support from millennial consumers is already pouring in.

“Of course I want to get into Heaven,” says millennial Ashley Millard, “mostly because of how exclusive it is. But between my longboarding league, my nonprofit organic kale-milk farm, and my online protest organizing, I really don’t have enough time for salvation.”

Father Tolladay will be honored with the first digital sainthood in the Church’s history. uMass will roll out as soon as the Catholic Church wins its legal battle with the University of Massachusetts.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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News from the Future #06

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 4th, 2068 – NASA Scientist Believes Alien Life Could Be Discovered Any Minute Now

NASA Scientist Jill Forrester announced yesterday that she believes alien life could be discovered “any minute now” during a press conference with a panel of NASA’s top scientists. The search for extraterrestrial life has been part of NASA’s mission for some time now, however it has thus far yielded no results. Forrester assured everyone that the search is definitely nearing an end, and that “there’s gotta be microbes or something on one of these other damn planets, really.”

 

2. August 1st, 2104 – Eating Chocolate in Bed No Longer a Sin, Says Pope

Pope George made an historic announcement yesterday when he decreed that eating chocolate in bed is in fact not a sinful act. Many Catholics around the world were relieved by this news; studies indicate that 7 out of every 10 people who keep a bar of emergency backup chocolate on their nightstand end up devouring it within just 3 days. Numerous members of the Catholic Church have spoken out against Pope George, saying he’s too lenient on the rules and that if people don’t feel guilty over these sorts of things they’ll no longer be pressured into sticking with their beliefs. Since the announcement, the Pope has continuously supported chocolate eaters by citing the newest biblical translation which replaces the word “salvation” with “chocolate.”

 

3. Shmovember 39th, 4681 – Positronic Fuel Rod Prices Hit All Time High

Positronic fuel rod prices shot up to an all time high over the weekend at just over 3.8 million galactic credits for one rod. People across the galaxy have sworn to boycott this increasingly inefficient fuel source and are pleading with the galaxy’s best minds to devise a source of energy that is cheap, renewable and doesn’t switch the polarity of a quantum electrostasis hypersphere engine every time it needs to be replaced. Many Worlders have begun reverting back to the ancient fuel sources of our ancestors like oil, solar, garbage and racism, but none of these things can be mass-produced for the tens of billions who commute to other star systems every day. All are hopeful that a solution can be found before the galaxy’s annual Fleefing.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Revolutionary Catholic Church Offering Drive-Thru Confessions

The St. Augustine Catholic Church in Oklahoma became the first religious establishment in the world to offer drive-thru confessions with its revolutionary “absolve-and-go” window that opened yesterday.

“I think it’s a terrific idea,” said local resident Dawn Chaffee who hadn’t been to a confessional in over 10 years. “I stopped going because I got so busy, what with the McGriddle and all. This way I can just drive up and ask for forgiveness without even leaving my car.”

The church’s head priest, Monsignor Faraday, claims he got the idea while running errands that included stopping at the bank, drug store, baldness treatment clinic, and finally a fast food restaurant for lunch. All of these places were drive-thru accessible; Faraday never had to leave his car.

“You don’t have to get out of your car for food, money, drugs or hair-plugs,” said Faraday. “Why should you have to leave your car for Jesus?”

The St. Augustine church has already seen a tremendous increase in church attendance within just one day of opening the absolve-and-go window. Monsignor Faraday has reportedly had a difficult time keeping up with the influx of sinners.

“In order to cope we’re thinking of opening a second window,” said Faraday. “We’ll try to have it installed sometime next month as a ‘10 sins or fewer’ express window.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.