Catholic Church Makes Push For Millennial Followers

It’s no secret that younger generations are becoming more secular. Torture, indoctrination, and other old methods of conversion are sadly unacceptable in modern society, and many religious institutions are struggling to keep up. The Catholic Church, however, appears to have found a solution.

“Young people live in a world of instant gratification,” says Father Tolladay, the Church’s most tech-savvy priest. “They don’t want to work for salvation, they want it as fast as it takes them to swipe right.”

Father Tolladay has created an app called “uMass,” which leads its users in daily prayers and important rites, so that people don’t have to interrupt their busy, sinful lives in order to be saved. uMass also allows for easy, digital confessions.

“Simply navigate to the confessionals screen and select the sins you’ve committed from a wide array of options. It has everything from pettier sins like lying and stealing, to more intense sins like masturbating in a movie theater or selling your daughter’s dirty socks on the internet. Whichever sins you’ve committed, uMass will calculate exactly what prayers you need to say in order to have them forgiven.”

The app hasn’t dropped yet, but support from millennial consumers is already pouring in.

“Of course I want to get into Heaven,” says millennial Ashley Millard, “mostly because of how exclusive it is. But between my longboarding league, my nonprofit organic kale-milk farm, and my online protest organizing, I really don’t have enough time for salvation.”

Father Tolladay will be honored with the first digital sainthood in the Church’s history. uMass will roll out as soon as the Catholic Church wins its legal battle with the University of Massachusetts.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Revolutionary Catholic Church Offering Drive-Thru Confessions

The St. Augustine Catholic Church in Oklahoma became the first religious establishment in the world to offer drive-thru confessions with its revolutionary “absolve-and-go” window that opened yesterday.

“I think it’s a terrific idea,” said local resident Dawn Chaffee who hadn’t been to a confessional in over 10 years. “I stopped going because I got so busy, what with the McGriddle and all. This way I can just drive up and ask for forgiveness without even leaving my car.”

The church’s head priest, Monsignor Faraday, claims he got the idea while running errands that included stopping at the bank, drug store, baldness treatment clinic, and finally a fast food restaurant for lunch. All of these places were drive-thru accessible; Faraday never had to leave his car.

“You don’t have to get out of your car for food, money, drugs or hair-plugs,” said Faraday. “Why should you have to leave your car for Jesus?”

The St. Augustine church has already seen a tremendous increase in church attendance within just one day of opening the absolve-and-go window. Monsignor Faraday has reportedly had a difficult time keeping up with the influx of sinners.

“In order to cope we’re thinking of opening a second window,” said Faraday. “We’ll try to have it installed sometime next month as a ‘10 sins or fewer’ express window.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.