Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Bad Driver Claims He’s Been Faking This Whole Time

Tom Clemens, an accountant from Chesterfeild, North Carolina, gave a statement today saying that he truthfully is a good driver, he’s just been pretending to be a poor driver to help make actual poor drivers feel a little better.

Tom initially came out to Chelsea Redmond, a coworker, when the two were chatting at a party being held by another coworker and mutual friend. “It’s a 30 minute drive from my house to the office,” said Tom, “but I can usually do it in under 20. I’m a pretty good driver.” When Chelsea asked Tom what he meant, Tom continued, “Well like when I was in high school, me and my buddies would race all the time and I’d usually win. About eight out of ten times I’d say, maybe nine.”

“That’s so weird,” Chelsea responded. “The word around the office is that you’re a terrible driver.”

Tom then laughed and attempted to correct Chelsea. “No, no that’s… I don’t know who would say that. That isn’t true.”

“So you’re not a bad driver? I feel like I’ve talked to people who’ve seen you drive and-”

“I mean I pretend sometimes,” Tom interrupted. “Like to make other drivers feel better about themselves, you know? Like I don’t want bad drivers to feel like they’re the only bad drivers out there.”

“Oh, okay,” said Chelsea as she looked down at her feet and took another sip of her drink.

A few hours later, Tom was confronted by Raphael Olson, another coworker to whom Chelsea is close. “Hey Tom! Chelsea says you think you’re some hot shit out on the highway,” Raphael reportedly said.

Tom chuckled, saying, “Oh, well, I’m certainly qualified to handle a motor vehicle, that’s for sure.”

“You wanna prove it?” asked Raphael.

“Nah that’s, it’s fine,” Tom responded. “I mean I don’t even have my car with me anyway.”

“What was that car I saw you drive here in, then?”

“That car?” said Tom, “Oh that car… that is a rental. Yeah that’s not my car, I can’t drive it home. Because it… because I’m like, too drunk, you know?”

Since Tom’s announcement, many people across the nation who are infamous in their respective friend groups for being poor drivers have come forward with similar claims. Some say they’ve been pretending so as to keep other drivers on their toes, while others say they just wanted to fit in with everyone else on the road.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.