Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Truck Driving Creep Uses Ice Cream To Attract Children

Several families in the town of Redacker, Pennsylvania have expressed concern over sightings of an identified man in a strange-looking truck driving through neighborhoods and attempting to lure children to him. The man blasts creepy nursery rhymes over a speaker system to draw the children in.

“It’s very concerning,” said area mother Miri Virashti. “I always thought this was a safe neighborhood because of all the gun owners in the area, but now I’m not so sure.”

The unknown driver, who was described by eye witnesses as exceedingly unemployable, has adorned the sides of his truck with images of ice cream to attract children. A local auto-mechanic claims that the vehicle’s odd shape indicates that it is refrigerated, which further terrifies local parents.

“What does this strange man want with our kids?” asked Miri. “I mean, you let your mind wander just thinking about it, and it’s sick. He might be trying to make our kids catch a cold or something.”

So far no children have been abducted, but there were a few close calls. Eight year old Becca Wallace says she got close enough to talk to the driver.

“He was nice, he said he would give me ice cream if I gave him three dollars,” says Becca Wallace. “I said ‘no’ because even I know that’s a rip-off.”

There have been reports across the country of similar trucks stalking suburban neighborhoods since the 1950s, but most believe they’re just an urban legend, like Bigfoot or the female orgasm. Tales of the refrigerated truck driver have brought conspiracy theorists to Redacker.

“Some of us say the frozen truck driver is a ghost,” says conspiracy theorist Chuck Balding, who in fact isn’t. “Some say the driver is a serial killer, as was every driver before him, and they’ve been passing down the keys to that truck ever generation. I personally think there’s a network of them, all across the country, coordinating attacks against lactose intolerant kids.”

The mayor of Redacker has issued an official warning stating that anyone playing children’s songs or eating ice cream in public could be subject to an immediate arrest.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Fidget Spinners

You’ll find them at the counter of every store, in the garbage of every public school, and among the possessions of every cool teenager. No, they’re not condoms, they’re called “fidget spinners,” and, like becoming aroused while you’re sleeping, they are an overnight sensation. But what exactly is a fidget spinner? How do they work? Where do they come from? What are they made of? Is there a way to make money off of them? Do we really have time to answer all of these questions?

To answer some of these questions, Circus Killer News sent investigative reporter Ronaldo Odlanor to speak with Dr. Percy LaDarque, a professor of Trinket Studies at the University of Somewhere.

“They’re just starting to catch on now, but fidget spinners have a long history,” said Professor LaDarque. “They first appeared in Ancient Greece around the year 410 B.C.E. Young boys would have to spin their fidget spinners for one complete day to prove that they were men. Then they would gift them to girls they wanted to marry to symbolize ceaseless love.”

LaDarque points out that in many ways, this ritual still exists today.

“The Ancient Greeks believed that the human heart itself was a fidget spinner,” continued LaDarque. “When a person dies, that meant their heartspinner stopped spinning. When a person was rude or callous, that meant their heartspinner was wobbly, perhaps because it had been dropped too many times.”

But just who is it that makes fidget spinners? This is where LaDarque is in the dark.

“I can tell you that our ancestors made their fidget spinners out of hardened dung, straw, and a virgin’s saliva. I’m not sure who makes them now, however. That’s one of the greatest mysteries of modern times as far as I’m concerned.”

Strangely enough, the packages in which fidget spinners are kept before being sold have no familiar company labels. In fact, aside from all the text appearing in English, there’s nothing on the package that would suggest that fidget spinners come from any earthly source. Is it possible, then, that fidget spinners are not made by earthly means? Could they not have originated on this planet at all?

Jim Helvetico, a professional conspiracy theorist and finisher of “Phat Mike’s 30-inch Pizza Explosion,” thinks that fidget spinners might literally be out of this world. He claims that fidget spinners were given to us by a race of alien beings.

“There’s no way that our ancestors could have crafted fidget spinners using the tools that they had,” said Jim while clipping his toenails in the middle of the interview. “Back when we were first evolving we were visited by beings from another world. They helped us in our development by giving us things like tools, agriculture, weed, mixed martial arts, non-stick pots and pans, hats with cup holders, alligator meat, raisinets, and yes, fidget spinners.”

But why would an ancient alien race visit Earth just to deliver fidget technology? Jim claims he has the answer.

“You have to understand that this was all technology that they didn’t want. And we gave them sex slaves in return. This was an intergalactic garage sale, maybe the first one to have ever taken place.”

Jim has faced some criticism for his theory, but he believes it checks out.

“I’m not saying that all fidget spinners come from space,” he said, “I’m just saying the people who make them are controlled by a race of squid-like ice demons who live in space.”

 There are many unanswered questions about fidget spinners, but if there are two things that can be said about them with absolute certainty it’s that they’re not going anywhere, and that they are probably not a sex thing.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.