Several families in the town of Redacker, Pennsylvania have expressed concern over sightings of an identified man in a strange-looking truck driving through neighborhoods and attempting to lure children to him. The man blasts creepy nursery rhymes over a speaker system to draw the children in.
“It’s very concerning,” said area mother Miri Virashti. “I always thought this was a safe neighborhood because of all the gun owners in the area, but now I’m not so sure.”
The unknown driver, who was described by eye witnesses as exceedingly unemployable, has adorned the sides of his truck with images of ice cream to attract children. A local auto-mechanic claims that the vehicle’s odd shape indicates that it is refrigerated, which further terrifies local parents.
“What does this strange man want with our kids?” asked Miri. “I mean, you let your mind wander just thinking about it, and it’s sick. He might be trying to make our kids catch a cold or something.”
So far no children have been abducted, but there were a few close calls. Eight year old Becca Wallace says she got close enough to talk to the driver.
“He was nice, he said he would give me ice cream if I gave him three dollars,” says Becca Wallace. “I said ‘no’ because even I know that’s a rip-off.”
There have been reports across the country of similar trucks stalking suburban neighborhoods since the 1950s, but most believe they’re just an urban legend, like Bigfoot or the female orgasm. Tales of the refrigerated truck driver have brought conspiracy theorists to Redacker.
“Some of us say the frozen truck driver is a ghost,” says conspiracy theorist Chuck Balding, who in fact isn’t. “Some say the driver is a serial killer, as was every driver before him, and they’ve been passing down the keys to that truck ever generation. I personally think there’s a network of them, all across the country, coordinating attacks against lactose intolerant kids.”
The mayor of Redacker has issued an official warning stating that anyone playing children’s songs or eating ice cream in public could be subject to an immediate arrest.
Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews
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