Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”


Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Disgusting Teen Refuses to Floss

Family and friends of Tennessee teenager Armand Watkins were distraught upon discovering that the 19-year-old Kmart box boy has never flossed in his life.

“I just don’t see the point,” Armand reportedly told his family last week. “Unless I’m eating popcorn or beef or something, I really don’t feel anything getting stuck between my teeth. And even then it falls out eventually, so what’s the point?”

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam quarantined Armand after hearing about the teenager’s sickening habits, worried that they might spread to other parts of the state.

“We want to stop this problem before it becomes a major epidemic,” Governor Haslam told reporters during a press conference early this morning. “Not only will Armand’s breath become a major public health issue, but if we stand by and do nothing then Armand’s ideologies might spread faster than the foul odor within his mouth.”

The CDC has reportedly been trying to teach Armand how to floss and why it’s important, but so far he has been uncooperative.

Meanwhile, Armand’s family and friends can’t get over the fact that he has been neglecting his hygienic responsibilities for so long without them realizing.

“He seemed like everyone else,” said one of Armand’s high school friends. “He came to school like everyone else, joined clubs like everyone else, ate the things that everyone else ate. It shocks me to think that something like this could be happening right under my friend’s nose.”

“It is important that people know,” said Armand’s mother, “that our family does not condone this sort of behavior. We are as shocked as anyone that our son could be capable of something so heinous and we hope his actions don’t reflect poorly on his fellow white Tennesseans.”


Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.