Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Area Man’s Germ-Filled Mouth Most Diverse Place in Nation

A heartwarming story of pathological disaster struck a small town in North Carolina today when it was discovered that Colin Fargus, a local auto-mechanic, has a mouth containing more foreign organisms than are present in one location anywhere else in the country. Colin’s mouth was officially declared the “most diverse area in the nation” by the doctor in charge of treating Colin.

“Seeing all these different forms of disease, parasites and fungi working together under one common goal, which is to kill Colin, really brings tears to my eyes,” says Dr. George Jiminez, “not just because of the smell, but because it’s like these organisms are working together in a way that humans never could. We could really learn a lot from them.”

Colin visited his local dentist’s office complaining of toothaches, headaches, fever, numbness in his extremities, lack of appetite, blindness, deafness, hallucinations, heart palpitations, abnormal hair growth, spontaneous combustion, homophobia and other debilitating symptoms. Colin’s dentist immediately notified the CDC after initial examination of Colin’s mouth, and he’s been in quarantine ever since.

While treatments for Colin’s various diseases are hastily being applied, many see the diversity of Colin’s mouth as something that should be celebrated in a nation fatally divided by matters of race, sex, gender, religion, and whether or not Mad Max: Fury Road deserved to be nominated for best picture.

“Colin’s mouth is a reflection of the melting pot that is this country,” said Dr. Jiminez. “If he dies in the next few hours, which is certainly possible, then he will surely die a hero.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.