Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Public Schools

September is here, and most of America’s youth will find itself inducted into the public school system. It’s no secret that the US falls short in education, but what exactly is the cause behind this educational degeneration? Circus Killer News sent its youngest-looking reporter, Laney Petrelles, to pose undercover as a high school student at Middle Brooks High School in Connecticut to bring you the full public school experience. We also sent our most depressed-looking reporter, Joel Koenner, to pose as a teacher at the same school.

Laney reported that high school has changed a lot since her days as an actual student thirty-three years ago. Every arts program and foreign language course in the Middle Brooks school district was gradually cut over time, but students still needed to take eight classes. The cut courses were replaced with things like “America Appreciation,” where students are taught how to appreciate the United States through song, prayer, and military service. Another one of these pap electives is “Second Lunch,” where students are allowed to extend their lunch break to double the legally required six minutes of lunchtime allotted to them. Another still was simply called “Books,” which has no course description. Laney reports that “Books” is taught by an actual book that a custodian props up on a desk for one hour. Additionally, many students are no longer required to take a gym class ever since the school board classified texting as physical exercise.

Joel found that teaching methods have undergone some change as well. Teachers are now encouraged to show videos instead of talking to their students. They are no longer allowed to design their own curriculums, but rather must use their own money to purchase a “curriculum packet” from the federal government that comes preloaded with every assignment, exam, and study guide the teacher will need for that year. Teaching, Joel found, is no longer a profession for optimistic thinkers eager to shape young minds. Rather, teaching is usually either a part time gig for out-of-work musicians and actors, a dumping zone for the Witness Protection Program, or a practice job for not-so-charismatic cult leaders looking to hone their skills.

While looking for the perspectives of other students, Laney managed to insert herself into every clique at Middle Brooks High. She bought herself a new car and expensive clothes to get in with the popular girls, sold narcotics and steroids to the jocks in order to gain their trust, became accepted by the hipsters by introducing them to music from her high school days that they had never heard before, and developed a sense of humor so she could fit in with the geeks, dorks, and nerds. Though these cliché groups of students had their differences, they all shared a loathing of the system, a palpable anxiety, and one singular piece of gum that has been passed down from each senior class over decades.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Teenage Protagonist’s Test Scores Through the Roof

Mitchell Harlow, a 16-year-old boy currently attending an inner-city high school in the Bronx, amazed some of his teachers yesterday when his standardized test scores placed him in the top five percentile of other students his age across the country. Mitchell’s math teacher, however, was not surprised by the score’s results.

“Mitchell doesn’t try very hard,” Mitchell’s math teacher Deborah Swinton reportedly said during a Parent-Teacher Conference with Mitchell’s single mother who’s struggling to balance three jobs. “But he’s a bright boy. He only pretends to be unintelligent to fit in with the other boys his age.”

Ms. Swinton then recommended that Mitchell be placed in advanced classes, however Mitchell’s mother is against this idea and wants her son to leave school and find a job so he can help raise his younger siblings.

This of course has left Mitchell conflicted. Deep down the high school student wants to continue his scholastic career and eventually go to college despite peer pressure from his friends to ignore schoolwork. At the same time, Mitchell feels that staying home and helping his mother is the right thing to do for the family, despite his youngest sibling urging him to continue schooling because she no longer can due to a generic, chronic illness.

Mitchell will presumably have the spend the course of the next few months battling these internal conflicts over a period of short, minutes-long interactions and occurrences that total to about two hours while trying to win the respect of his peers and acceptance of his mother. Also Ms. Swinton could be played by Sandra Bullock.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.