border wall

President Trump Battles Oncoming Asteroid

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Hours ago, NASA confirmed that an asteroid the size of North Dakota is on a collision course with Earth. Experts are saying that the object will make impact with our planet in twenty-six days unless the world’s brightest and bravest can figure out a way to change the asteroid’s trajectory, or find a way to break it up into smaller, more manageable fragments.

President Trump has been crucial in strategizing America’s asteroid defense initiative. The President first proposed building a wall around the planet that Mexico would pay for, but experts are saying that they won’t be able to get it up in time. Trump then suggested giving the asteroid hush money to make it go away, but the President’s bribery fund has run dry due to his marital failings. Next the President suggested throwing paper towels at the asteroid, but astronomers believe that this would only make the asteroid angrier. Still, President Trump is determined to save his country.

Trump has been tweeting insulting things about the asteroid in an heroic attempt to demoralize it, but so far his tweets have not fazed the space rock, which makes this the first time that the President’s tweets have had no destructive effects.

Scattered reports suggest that NASA is working on a top-secret program called “Project Orange,” which will corrupt the object’s integrity from within. If the rumors about Project Orange are to be believed, then NASA will soon lure President Trump into a space shuttle by loading it up with things he loves – such as Oreo’s and pictures of white people – and then blast the President into space and instruct him to manage the asteroid like one of his casinos.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

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A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Bans Gay People From Entering Direct Line Of Sight

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President Donald Trump announced via Twitter this morning that he would soon ban any member of the LGBTQ community from entering his direct line of vision. The President allegedly made the tweet while sitting on the toilet at around 4:30 a.m. The initial tweet reads:

“The whole gay issue is distraction from Me from making America great. I don’t think I should see them and will be making policy!!”

After immediate backlash, Trump continued to tweet in defense of his remark stating that the cost of keeping members of the LGBTQ community away from him is too high as it is.

“The President’s not wrong,” said a White House spokesman early this morning. “Since Trump took office, the Secret Service has been trained to dive into the President’s eye line every time he accidentally makes eye contact with someone he thinks might be gay, French, or something else weird. Their suits get all scuffed-up; the dry cleaning bill alone is only adding to the national debt.”

White House insiders say this new ban will come in the form of an executive order stating that only heterosexuals are allowed within a 30-mile radius of the President.

Rumors around Washington say that in addition to the American-Mexican border wall, Trump plans to construct an anti-gay moat around the White House. The moat will be paid for with an “indecency tax” that will only affect people who do not identify as heterosexual.

Other rumors suggest that the President might want the White House incased in a “gay-proof” dome after he confirmed through Twitter last week that he’s certain homosexuality can be transmitted through the air.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Little Known Behind-The-Scenes Facts About “Game of Thrones”

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HBO’s hit series “Game of Thrones” has returned for its seventh season to the delight of everyone around the world except for that one friend of yours who is always quick to tell people that he has no plans on ever watching it. But what is it like on the set of this fantasy masterpiece that has taken the internet by storm and inspired vapid world leaders to think walls do anything? We sent one of our reporters to find out. Check out these 14 facts about the show you didn’t know.

 

1. The actor who plays Samwell Tarly eats 30 hotdogs every morning just to stay out of shape.

2. As a show of devotion, Liam Cunningham cut off his fingers in the middle of his audition for the part of Ser Davos Seaworth.

3. One of the dragons on the show is transgender.

4. More people have died on set than characters have died on the show.

5. The actor who played Grand Maester Pycelle refused to wear anything beneath his robes.

6. The “Iron Throne” was constructed by melting down thousands of spatulas, not swords.

7. Every actor who has played “The Mountain” has had to eat the previous actor who played him.

8. Emilia Clarke was cast as Daenerys Targaryen because she has in fact given birth to lizards.

9. The Wall is not CG. It took three gaffers on the show four thousand years to construct it.

10. Michelle Fairley’s throat really was cut open during the “Red Wedding.” The producers didn’t tell her it was coming so that her reaction would be authentic.

11. Each of the seven kingdoms is filmed on a different continent. Everything east of the “Narrow Sea” was filmed on another planet.

12. The gilded prosthetic hand worn by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau has a rich chocolaty center.

13. The actors who play the Wight Walkers are kept in a frozen meat locker when they’re not shooting.

14. The original opening credits theme song had lyrics that just described how amazing Peter Dinklage is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Ways To Protect Your Home From Intruders

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This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

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With the second American Civil War around the corner, personal safety is more paramount than ever. There are many different ways to protect your home from intruders, but none have been proven more successful than the following thirteen.

 

1. Smash all the windows in your home from the outside so it looks like you’ve already been robbed. All the thieves in your neighborhood will assume there’s no more good stuff to steal.

2. Have plans and traps in place to “Home Alone” the shit out of anyone who breaks in.

3. Keep all your valuables on your lawn. No one can steal your belongings by breaking into your home if you have no belongings inside your home.

4. Paint what appears to be the inside of your house on the outside of your door. To the common thief it will appear as though your front door is wide open, and they’ll charge headfirst into a closed door, knocking them unconscious.

5. Have a local wizard cast a protection spell around your home.

6. Seal all your doors and windows with cement. Nobody can enter your home if there’s no way in.

7. Construct a border wall around your property to guarantee that thieves can only cross into your lands legally.

8. Replace your front door with a cardboard cutout of Vin Diesel.

9. Replace your back door with a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.

10. Replace your windows with several Danny DeVitos. 

11. Sell your home and live out your days on a boat. Merthieves are much easier to fend off than land-thieves.

12. Take all the extra money you have from not having your home broken into and use it to buy a private security force.

13. Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Realistic Ways Trump Could Get Impeached

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Millions of Americans woke up today to see an internet meme get sworn into the office of President of the United States, but there is a ray of hope in this time of uncertainty. Many pundits believe that the pompousness responsible for Donald Trump’s success could also lead to his early downfall. Here are 14 realistic ways Trump could get impeached before his term is up.

 

1. Details could leak to the press about the time Donald helped his son Eric cover up a number of grizzly serial murders.

2. An open mic might finally catch him saying the N-word.

3. He might get caught “upskirting” the Statue of Liberty.

4. Supreme Court Apprentice might be a big enough disaster.

5. Trump could lose public trust by declaring war on fictional character Van Helsing for hunting down Melania’s kind.

6. People might start to catch on that the border wall is meant to keep Americans in.

7. He likely could disrobe during a press conference to show us all that “it’s still working down there,” in an effort to dispel rumors.

8. His tax returns could leak, revealing that he’s actually been paying the federal government far too much and has been a commie this whole time.

9. A push to get Harriet Tubman removed from the $20 bill will lead to a push to get Donald himself printed on that same bill, irreparably devaluing the USD.

10. Donald’s soviet Russian birth certificate might be released.

11. Trump could legally disown his daughter Ivanka to justify the statements he’s made about her.

12. The Illuminati might get their shit together.

13. Trump will attempt to nuke Switzerland for remaining neutral during World War III but authorize a nuclear strike on Swaziland instead believing they’re the same thing.

14. An inexplicable wave of sanity will overcome your elected representatives who will then use their power to support the people, make a better future for generations to come and unite the world. Oh, wait… sorry, I forgot these were supposed to be “realistic” possibilities.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.