This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta.
With the second American Civil War around the corner, personal safety is more paramount than ever. There are many different ways to protect your home from intruders, but none have been proven more successful than the following thirteen.
1. Smash all the windows in your home from the outside so it looks like you’ve already been robbed. All the thieves in your neighborhood will assume there’s no more good stuff to steal.
2. Have plans and traps in place to “Home Alone” the shit out of anyone who breaks in.
3. Keep all your valuables on your lawn. No one can steal your belongings by breaking into your home if you have no belongings inside your home.
4. Paint what appears to be the inside of your house on the outside of your door. To the common thief it will appear as though your front door is wide open, and they’ll charge headfirst into a closed door, knocking them unconscious.
5. Have a local wizard cast a protection spell around your home.
6. Seal all your doors and windows with cement. Nobody can enter your home if there’s no way in.
7. Construct a border wall around your property to guarantee that thieves can only cross into your lands legally.
8. Replace your front door with a cardboard cutout of Vin Diesel.
9. Replace your back door with a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
10. Replace your windows with several Danny DeVitos.
11. Sell your home and live out your days on a boat. Merthieves are much easier to fend off than land-thieves.
12. Take all the extra money you have from not having your home broken into and use it to buy a private security force.
13. Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.