Dwayne Johnson

13 Ways To Protect Your Home From Intruders

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This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

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With the second American Civil War around the corner, personal safety is more paramount than ever. There are many different ways to protect your home from intruders, but none have been proven more successful than the following thirteen.

 

1. Smash all the windows in your home from the outside so it looks like you’ve already been robbed. All the thieves in your neighborhood will assume there’s no more good stuff to steal.

2. Have plans and traps in place to “Home Alone” the shit out of anyone who breaks in.

3. Keep all your valuables on your lawn. No one can steal your belongings by breaking into your home if you have no belongings inside your home.

4. Paint what appears to be the inside of your house on the outside of your door. To the common thief it will appear as though your front door is wide open, and they’ll charge headfirst into a closed door, knocking them unconscious.

5. Have a local wizard cast a protection spell around your home.

6. Seal all your doors and windows with cement. Nobody can enter your home if there’s no way in.

7. Construct a border wall around your property to guarantee that thieves can only cross into your lands legally.

8. Replace your front door with a cardboard cutout of Vin Diesel.

9. Replace your back door with a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.

10. Replace your windows with several Danny DeVitos. 

11. Sell your home and live out your days on a boat. Merthieves are much easier to fend off than land-thieves.

12. Take all the extra money you have from not having your home broken into and use it to buy a private security force.

13. Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #06 – Dwayne Johnson; Michael Bay; Chester Cheetah

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Hollywood to Begin Producing More Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnsons

Numerous Hollywood executives have come together in an effort to start manufacturing additional copies of Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnson to be used for various titles across multiple production companies. The first Dwayne Johnson has been a huge success, able to perform spectacularly in comedy roles, action roles and live performances, as well as connect with all age groups and across previously unbroken racial boundaries. No word yet on how duplicates will interfere with the current Dwayne Johnson’s career or if  “The Rock”  will even agree to have himself duplicated, but Hollywood is hopeful since the wrestler-turned-actor has yet to turn down anything.

 

2. Only Four Dead at Michael Bay’s Annual Easter Bash

Only four people died at Hollywood director Michael Bay’s annual Easter celebration this past Sunday, a record low for the event. Every year, Bay hosts an Easter bash at his home inviting all of the children in his neighborhood. The children are then encouraged to play traditional Easter games with a Michael Bay twist, such as painting Easter grenades and playing with a giant anthropological CGI rabbit armed with swords and machine guns. Despite the yearly deaths, injuries and lifetime scarring, Bay is still allowed to make things for children.

 

3. Chester Cheetah Back in Rehab

Cheetos mascot Chester Cheetah was admitted back into a rehabilitation clinic over the weekend for his continued abuse of alcoholic and narcotic substances. Chester has been in an out of rehab since becoming the cheesy snack’s official cartoon spokesperson in 1986, but has reportedly fallen into his worst spiral yet ever since he heard that a sequel was in the works for Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It is unclear as to whether or not Chester will be allowed to resume his post as Cheetos mascot. In the meantime, Cheetos’ parent company Frito-Lay has appointed Tom Selleck as the new Cheetos mascot for his history of being both dangerously hot and dangerously cheesy.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Check back next week for a chance to win a signed patch of Betty White’s skin.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer does not own the character  “Chester Cheetah”  or Cheetos snacks. These are both properties of Cheetos and Frito-Lay.
Circus Killer also does not own Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnson.  This is a property of the greater Hollywood industry.