Welcome back to “Celeb Watch,” the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet (please ignore that oxymoron). Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:
1. Hollywood to Begin Producing More Dwayne “The Rock” Johnsons
Numerous Hollywood executives have come together in an effort to start manufacturing additional copies of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to be used for various titles across multiple production companies. The first Dwayne Johnson has been a huge success, able to perform spectacularly in comedy roles, action roles and live performances, as well as connect with all age groups and across previously unbroken racial boundaries. No word yet on how duplicates will interfere with the current Dwayne Johnson’s career or if “The Rock” will even agree to have himself duplicated, but Hollywood is hopeful since the wrestler-turned-actor has yet to turn down anything.
2. Only Four Dead at Michael Bay’s Annual Easter Bash
Only four people died at Hollywood director Michael Bay’s annual Easter celebration this past Sunday, a record low for the event. Every year, Bay hosts an Easter bash at his home inviting all of the children in his neighborhood. The children are then encouraged to play traditional Easter games with a Michael Bay twist, such as painting Easter grenades and playing with a giant anthropological CGI rabbit armed with swords and machine guns. Despite the yearly deaths, injuries and lifetime scarring, Bay is still allowed to make things for children.
3. Chester Cheetah Back in Rehab
Cheetos mascot Chester Cheetah was admitted back into a rehabilitation clinic over the weekend for his continued abuse of alcoholic and narcotic substances. Chester has been in an out of rehab since becoming the cheesy snack’s official cartoon spokesperson in 1986, but has reportedly fallen into his worst spiral yet ever since he heard that a sequel was in the works for Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It is unclear as to whether or not Chester will be allowed to resume his post as Cheetos mascot. In the meantime, Cheetos’ parent company Frito-Lay has appointed Tom Selleck as the new Cheetos mascot for his history of being both dangerously hot and dangerously cheesy.
That’s it for this week’s “Celeb Watch.” Check back next week for a chance to win a signed patch of Betty White’s skin.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.
ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer does not own the character “Chester Cheetah” or Cheetos snacks. These are both properties of Cheetos and Frito-Lay.
Circus Killer also does not own Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. This is a property of the greater Hollywood industry.