30 Common Phobias

Everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s being in the dark, being alone, or being hit on by an octogenarian. There are so many different kinds of fears and phobias that it can be a little difficult to keep track of them all. Here is a list of the thirty most common phobias in the United States.

 

Autoincosophobia – The fear of getting hit by a car while indoors.

Millenophobia – The fear of young people.

Agoraphobia – The fear of Al Gore.

Fakillnesophobia – The fear of gluten.

Americophobia – The fear of getting shot.

Holicrapophobia – The fear that a sinkhole will open up in your bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Commerciophobia – The fear of being unable to skip, mute, or otherwise ignore an advertisement.

Phobophobia – The fear of developing an irrational fear.

Phobophobophobia – The fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Protophobophobophobia – The fear of encountering something that might cause the development of the fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Aloforevophobia – The fear of never landing a second date.

Enbeesiophobia – The fear that your favorite television show will get canceled.

Selleckophobia – The fear of exceptional mustaches.

Coulrophobia – The fear of being cool.

Marmotophobia – The fear of getting trapped in a “Groundhog Day” loop.

Pauppophobia – The fear of making eye contact with a poor person.

Netflexpirophobia – The fear that a movie or show you want to watch on Netflix will expire before you get the chance to watch it.

Ufophobia – The fear of being abducted by aliens.

Claustrophobia – The fear of Santa Claus.

Flatuvatophobia – The fear of farting in an elevator.

Arachnophobia – The fear of Iraq.

Forforforophobia – The fear that Wendy’s will take away their “4 for 4” deal.

Notextophobia – The fear that someone dislikes you because they didn’t promptly text you back.

Movonophobia – The fear that your ex is doing better than you.

Procrastophobia – The fear that you’ve been putting something off for too long.

Digifilinophobia – The fear that your body is a robotic skin-suit that is being controlled by a group of highly intelligent housecats.

Chipotelophobia – The fear of chipotle (the spice, not the restaurant).

Chitolepophobia – The fear of Chipotle (the restaurant, not the spice).

Gamothronesophobia – The fear of nudity.

Drumpfophobia – The fear that you’re about half has intelligent as you think you are, and that everyone is secretly laughing at you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

SPECIAL REPORT: Facial Hair

It is said that a man can command a room with his facial hair. Because of men like Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln, and Borat, history has been peppered with an eclectic mix of glorious beards and ‘staches. But why is it, exactly, that the facially endowed seem destined for greatness? What is the mysterious power behind magnificent facial hair, and is there a way to control it?

Circus Killer News special reporter Fatima Azzraf spoke with Caleb Cho, Head Curator at the National Museum of Beards and Moustaches in Washington D.C.

“America has a rich history of bearded and mustachioed men,” said Caleb. “Every good President the U.S. has ever had wore some kind of facial hair, even if it was temporarily out of fashion.”

Fatima was shown a display that held Ronald Reagan’s secret moustache.

“Reagan only wore this when no one was looking. As you can see from the charring around the edges it was once set on fire. This was done in a deliberate attack by the democratic party who was as the time seeking to snuff out the President’s vitality. Most of the moustache was saved, but they burned enough that it affected Reagan’s cognitive abilities. It was after this event that his dementia started.”

The museum displays the facial hair of other American greats, including Martin Van Buren’s sideburns, John Philip Sousa’s moustache, and Cesar Romero’s eyebrows.

“We’re very proud of our collection,” said Caleb. “This is undoubtedly the most erotic job I’ve ever had, and I once worked at a gun store that was next to a Hooters.”

Facial hair has always held power in Western culture, but how about other areas of the world? We sent Fatima to a Tibetan monastery where a group of monks claim to have unlocked the secret power of facial hair. The monks believe that beards and moustaches are a direct reflection of a man’s lifeforce, and that men can lengthen their lives by lengthening their locks.

“We spend our days growing our beards and pointy moustaches to strengthen our qi,” says Shui Fey, a monk who claims to have reached the age of 236 thanks to his fourteen-foot long beard. “We practice moving bricks with them, fighting each other with them, and tying them around tree branches so we can swing around in the wind while high-fiving each other. It strengthens our hair, and that strengthens our lifeforce.”

We then sent Fatima to the other side of the world where she met an Amazon tribe who hunt with their facial hair. Men journey into forests with nothing more than their beards and must strangle animals with them. In this tribe, a boy is not considered a man until he suffocates a jaguar with his lip hair.

With so many cultures around the world using the power of facial hair, the question must be asked: why does this power only exist in men? Is there a way for women to utilize facial hair as well? Jillian Tacoma, of Reddingham, Iowa, says “yes.”

“I didn’t believe my life would get better at first,” said Jillian to Fatima, “but it certainly did. My beard is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Jillian has been living her life as a “bearded lady” for over twelve years now. Her chin hair is not fake and she doesn’t use hormone treatments, rather Jillian’s thick, full beard came in one day after she was bitten by a radioactive Italian guy.

“My life before my beard was honestly very sad. I was a spinster who took pleasure in talking to strangers while vacationing alone. I used to eat frozen dinners and blog about HGTV and get laughed at whenever I wore a dress. But now, whenever I have something to say, people listen. People are drawn to me now and they don’t think it’s weird of me to send food back at restaurants. Yesterday I got a bank loan approved that I didn’t even apply for, all because of this,” she said while combing her luscious beard.

Jillian was asked if she recommends facial hair to more women.

“Honestly, you don’t need it,” she said. “The way I get treated now is the same way my sister has been treated all her life, so if you want to learn anything from her, then just try to be blond and have large, amazing breasts.”

We might never be able to unlock the full potential of facial hair like the Tibetan monks, the Amazon tribes, or Tom Selleck, but its effect on people is as undeniable as it is deeply sexual.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to be a part of this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #06 – Dwayne Johnson; Michael Bay; Chester Cheetah

Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Hollywood to Begin Producing More Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnsons

Numerous Hollywood executives have come together in an effort to start manufacturing additional copies of Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnson to be used for various titles across multiple production companies. The first Dwayne Johnson has been a huge success, able to perform spectacularly in comedy roles, action roles and live performances, as well as connect with all age groups and across previously unbroken racial boundaries. No word yet on how duplicates will interfere with the current Dwayne Johnson’s career or if  “The Rock”  will even agree to have himself duplicated, but Hollywood is hopeful since the wrestler-turned-actor has yet to turn down anything.

 

2. Only Four Dead at Michael Bay’s Annual Easter Bash

Only four people died at Hollywood director Michael Bay’s annual Easter celebration this past Sunday, a record low for the event. Every year, Bay hosts an Easter bash at his home inviting all of the children in his neighborhood. The children are then encouraged to play traditional Easter games with a Michael Bay twist, such as painting Easter grenades and playing with a giant anthropological CGI rabbit armed with swords and machine guns. Despite the yearly deaths, injuries and lifetime scarring, Bay is still allowed to make things for children.

 

3. Chester Cheetah Back in Rehab

Cheetos mascot Chester Cheetah was admitted back into a rehabilitation clinic over the weekend for his continued abuse of alcoholic and narcotic substances. Chester has been in an out of rehab since becoming the cheesy snack’s official cartoon spokesperson in 1986, but has reportedly fallen into his worst spiral yet ever since he heard that a sequel was in the works for Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It is unclear as to whether or not Chester will be allowed to resume his post as Cheetos mascot. In the meantime, Cheetos’ parent company Frito-Lay has appointed Tom Selleck as the new Cheetos mascot for his history of being both dangerously hot and dangerously cheesy.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Check back next week for a chance to win a signed patch of Betty White’s skin.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer does not own the character  “Chester Cheetah”  or Cheetos snacks. These are both properties of Cheetos and Frito-Lay.
Circus Killer also does not own Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnson.  This is a property of the greater Hollywood industry.