SPECIAL REPORT: Facial Hair

It is said that a man can command a room with his facial hair. Because of men like Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln, and Borat, history has been peppered with an eclectic mix of glorious beards and ‘staches. But why is it, exactly, that the facially endowed seem destined for greatness? What is the mysterious power behind magnificent facial hair, and is there a way to control it?

Circus Killer News special reporter Fatima Azzraf spoke with Caleb Cho, Head Curator at the National Museum of Beards and Moustaches in Washington D.C.

“America has a rich history of bearded and mustachioed men,” said Caleb. “Every good President the U.S. has ever had wore some kind of facial hair, even if it was temporarily out of fashion.”

Fatima was shown a display that held Ronald Reagan’s secret moustache.

“Reagan only wore this when no one was looking. As you can see from the charring around the edges it was once set on fire. This was done in a deliberate attack by the democratic party who was as the time seeking to snuff out the President’s vitality. Most of the moustache was saved, but they burned enough that it affected Reagan’s cognitive abilities. It was after this event that his dementia started.”

The museum displays the facial hair of other American greats, including Martin Van Buren’s sideburns, John Philip Sousa’s moustache, and Cesar Romero’s eyebrows.

“We’re very proud of our collection,” said Caleb. “This is undoubtedly the most erotic job I’ve ever had, and I once worked at a gun store that was next to a Hooters.”

Facial hair has always held power in Western culture, but how about other areas of the world? We sent Fatima to a Tibetan monastery where a group of monks claim to have unlocked the secret power of facial hair. The monks believe that beards and moustaches are a direct reflection of a man’s lifeforce, and that men can lengthen their lives by lengthening their locks.

“We spend our days growing our beards and pointy moustaches to strengthen our qi,” says Shui Fey, a monk who claims to have reached the age of 236 thanks to his fourteen-foot long beard. “We practice moving bricks with them, fighting each other with them, and tying them around tree branches so we can swing around in the wind while high-fiving each other. It strengthens our hair, and that strengthens our lifeforce.”

We then sent Fatima to the other side of the world where she met an Amazon tribe who hunt with their facial hair. Men journey into forests with nothing more than their beards and must strangle animals with them. In this tribe, a boy is not considered a man until he suffocates a jaguar with his lip hair.

With so many cultures around the world using the power of facial hair, the question must be asked: why does this power only exist in men? Is there a way for women to utilize facial hair as well? Jillian Tacoma, of Reddingham, Iowa, says “yes.”

“I didn’t believe my life would get better at first,” said Jillian to Fatima, “but it certainly did. My beard is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Jillian has been living her life as a “bearded lady” for over twelve years now. Her chin hair is not fake and she doesn’t use hormone treatments, rather Jillian’s thick, full beard came in one day after she was bitten by a radioactive Italian guy.

“My life before my beard was honestly very sad. I was a spinster who took pleasure in talking to strangers while vacationing alone. I used to eat frozen dinners and blog about HGTV and get laughed at whenever I wore a dress. But now, whenever I have something to say, people listen. People are drawn to me now and they don’t think it’s weird of me to send food back at restaurants. Yesterday I got a bank loan approved that I didn’t even apply for, all because of this,” she said while combing her luscious beard.

Jillian was asked if she recommends facial hair to more women.

“Honestly, you don’t need it,” she said. “The way I get treated now is the same way my sister has been treated all her life, so if you want to learn anything from her, then just try to be blond and have large, amazing breasts.”

We might never be able to unlock the full potential of facial hair like the Tibetan monks, the Amazon tribes, or Tom Selleck, but its effect on people is as undeniable as it is deeply sexual.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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