Trump Bans Gay People From Entering Direct Line Of Sight

President Donald Trump announced via Twitter this morning that he would soon ban any member of the LGBTQ community from entering his direct line of vision. The President allegedly made the tweet while sitting on the toilet at around 4:30 a.m. The initial tweet reads:

“The whole gay issue is distraction from Me from making America great. I don’t think I should see them and will be making policy!!”

After immediate backlash, Trump continued to tweet in defense of his remark stating that the cost of keeping members of the LGBTQ community away from him is too high as it is.

“The President’s not wrong,” said a White House spokesman early this morning. “Since Trump took office, the Secret Service has been trained to dive into the President’s eye line every time he accidentally makes eye contact with someone he thinks might be gay, French, or something else weird. Their suits get all scuffed-up; the dry cleaning bill alone is only adding to the national debt.”

White House insiders say this new ban will come in the form of an executive order stating that only heterosexuals are allowed within a 30-mile radius of the President.

Rumors around Washington say that in addition to the American-Mexican border wall, Trump plans to construct an anti-gay moat around the White House. The moat will be paid for with an “indecency tax” that will only affect people who do not identify as heterosexual.

Other rumors suggest that the President might want the White House incased in a “gay-proof” dome after he confirmed through Twitter last week that he’s certain homosexuality can be transmitted through the air.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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GOP Funded Study Links Same Sex Marriage to Fire and Brimstone

A GOP funded study was released yesterday that scientifically analyzes the correlation between the acceptance of same sex marriage and signs of the End Times.  According to the study, the more homosexuality “bleeds” into a society, the further that society and the entire world will descend into the chaos depicted in the Book of Revelations.

“The results [of this study] are clear,” says Republican representative Don Cahill, one of the leading supporters of the bill that redirected NASA’s funds to make way for this research.  “For example, we all know that there are fires in California all the time.  California is full of the gays.  Is that coincidence?  I don’t think so.”

The research was conducted over the past three years by a team of specially selected scientists whose work has been describe by Cahill as “rewriting the book on science,” which he means very literally since they’ve had to change the definition of science in order to pass off their work as such.

“People tell me that societies have gotten along fine with homosexuality,” Cahill continued, “They tell me to look at the Greeks.  Well I have and their economy is somehow worse than our own.  I don’t know what else you people need.”

Many Americans have spoken out against the study, claiming it shouldn’t be taken seriously and is unscientific.  The study’s supporters rebutted by accusing the opposition of being arrogant science-deniers, which everyone in Washington agreed was a pretty interesting change.

No word yet on how this new information might affect the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on same sex marriage, though political analysts are predicting it could somehow lead to a government shut down, which will probably be Obama’s fault.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.