Area Man Unsure if He at Right Funeral

Dan Knapur, a pharmacist from Maryland, has started to question whether or not he is currently at the correct funeral. The funeral he should be at right now is for an ex-boyfriend of his friend Lisa whom he was supposed to meet at the funeral. Lisa, however, was nowhere to be found.

“Where the hell is she?” Dan thought to himself an hour and a half ago. “I have no idea who this guy is, I don’t want to be here alone. It’s rude or something.”

Suspicion initially arose during the eulogy, which was given by the wife of the deceased. “Jesus, this guy was married?” thought Dan. “To her? That woman is in her 50s… when the hell did he and Lisa break up? Wait a second, why does this woman keep saying ‘David’ over and over? I thought his name was Antoine.”

Dan then noticed that most of the men attending the funeral were wearing yamakas, the traditional ceremonial headwear of the Jewish people.

“Huh. Lisa never told me she dated a Jew,” thought Dan. “Unless there are some Christians who wear those things, too. That’s possible, right? I heard that Mormons wear a different kind of underwear… I’m sure there’s some Christians that uses those hats.”

Soon Dan forgot all about Lisa and was moved by proceedings. He became enthralled by the stories of David’s life and all the people he touched. As Dan followed the funeral procession from the synagogue to Mount Chutzpah cemetery, Dan found himself reflecting on his own mortality and how important it is to hold onto the right people and let the wrong ones go.

“I need to tell Lisa I love her,” thought Dan at the burial. “I need to show her that I’m here for her and will always be by her side. Not right now, obviously, but you know… eventually.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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