Nothing has divided our nation more than the answer to the ultimate question: which is better, Coke or Pepsi? Many Americans argue the title of best soda belongs to Coca-Cola, the original cola company. Some, however, suggest that Pepsi has caught up and surpassed the original soda giant in terms of both freshness and taste. Others still have no preference, but those people are losers. To settle the debate once and for all, Circus Killer News sent it’s top investigative reporter, Abdulla Schmidtenhaüser, out into the field to learn a little more about this lightly refrigerated war.

Abdulla began his investigation by interviewing people in the street. Not surprisingly, many Americans took a hard stance on the issue.

“I wouldn’t drink Pepsi if it was the last beverage on Earth,” said one woman who was seemingly unaware that there was a fully untouched fried drumstick sitting in her cleavage. “My daddy was a Coke drinker, his daddy was a Coke drinker, and his daddy couldn’t drink anything ‘cause he got his throat slashed open in a bar fight as a three-year-old and any time he tried to drink somethin’ for the rest of his life it would just spurt out of his neck, but I’m sure he’d’ve been a Coke drinker, too.” Abdulla received similar remarks from devoted Pepsi drinkers.

But what makes these two beverages so different? After immersive research that lasted about fifteen seconds, Abdulla found that the ingredients for the two beverages were exactly the same. Not only that, but Coke and Pepsi are distributed by the exact same bottling company, the “Render Word Owl” Co.

It was then that Abdulla started receiving mysterious death threats. Abdulla received a message on his answering machine where a man with a voice changer told him to “stop meddling in things he didn’t understand.” A brick came crashing through a window in Abdulla’s home with a note tied to it that read, “stop asking questions, we’re watching.” Then, another brick came through another window with a different message that read, “also, who the fuck still has an answering machine? It’s 2017.”

Determined to get to the bottom of this conspiracy, Abdulla looked up information about the Render Word Owl Company. Soon he was contacted by an illusive whistleblower who went by the codename “Backdoor Tooter.” Tooter turned Abdulla onto a factory in the Midwest and told him to follow the corn syrup, so he did.

Abdulla discovered that the factory that produces Coca-Cola is the exact same one that produces Pepsi. Abdulla reported watching in horror as black, fizzy liquid from one giant vat was funneled into two separate conveyer belts, one for Coke bottles and another for Pepsi. All the workers were children who were being whipped by a man wearing sandals, a skirt, and a cloth headdress. It was a gruesome sight.

Abdulla reported all of this over the phone, but the call was cut short before he could tell us where he was. That was several weeks ago, and we haven’t heard from him since. Circus Killer News is presuming Abdulla Schmidtenhaüser dead, making him the fifteenth reporter this year who was killed by getting too close to something, although the other fourteen all died at once when our printer exploded.

We are hereby suspending our investigation into the Coke/Pepsi war.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.