Angelina Jolie

Celeb Watch #05 – Angelina Jolie; Zayn Malik; Trevor Noah

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Announces Plans to Transfer Mind into Robot Body

Actress Angelina Jolie announced this weekend that she plans on “freeing her mind from the fallible shackles of the human condition” by financing the construction of a robot body that she plans to live out of until the end of time. Jolie recently had a double mastectomy when it was discovered that she carried a gene that would make her susceptible to breast cancer, and announced shortly afterwards that she wanted to undergo an operation to remove her ovaries as well. The actress has apparently decided to take things one step further and simply pay a team of scientists to design and build a mechanized body that would be free from disease and decay, into which her mind and thoughts would be transferred so that she may continue to act and spread humanitarian kindness until the end of time.

 

2. “Directioners” Remove 20% of Limbs in Tribute to Departed Band Member

Fans of the boy band One Direction, who call themselves “Directioners,” have been distraught since last week when band member Zayn Malik announced he was leaving the group. With the band shrinking from five members to four, Directioners across the world have begun an internet campaign in which they post pictures and videos of them severing 20% of their own limbs as tribute to the band’s loss. Many Directioners have been hospitalized or even killed as a result of the campaign, while the rest have gathered to construct a new Zayn out of their disembodied limbs to help cope with the loss.

 

3. Comedy Central Tests Fans’ Advocacy of Racial Acceptance

Finally for this week, Comedy Central announced that comedian Trevor Noah will be replacing John Stewart as host of The Daily Show, reportedly in an effort to call the network’s white fans on their bluff of supporting racial equality. Many white fans of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report didn’t bat an eye when Larry Wilmore was appointed as host of The Nightly Show (which replaced The Colbert Report), however a number of white Comedy Central fans have made passively racist comments on Twitter that aren’t completely offensive but are certainly heading in that direction. Rumor has it that Comedy Central is looking to replace Daniel Tosh as host of his show Tosh.0 with someone like Kevin Hart to see if that will finally push the network’s white fans over the edge.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week for an exclusive interview with the parasite living inside Tara Reid.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #01 – Angelina Jolie; Pitbull; Ashton Kutcher

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Welcome to the first edition of Circus Killer News’  “Celeb Watch.”  We always have our eye on the latest celebrity gossip and will be bringing you the inside scoop of the private lives of celebrities every Tuesday.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Adopts Nation of Uganda

Angelina Jolie’s legal acquisition of Uganda and its people were made official today becoming the latest milestone in the actress’s journey to ending all poverty. Jolie announced last May that adopting four children, frequent visits to third world nations and large charitable donations were simply not enough to satisfy her need to end poverty on a personal level, and that adopting the entire nation of Uganda was the next step to achieve this goal. Jolie is currently financing a massive bridge to connect her home in Beverly Hills with her new country for easier access to her 40 million children.

 

2. Pitbull Hires Private Detective to Find Long Lost Hair

Rumor has it that Pitbull, the American rapper, has allegedly hired a private investigator to find out what happened to his hair. Pitbull lost his hair in the early 1990s while touring in Chernobyl and has never been the same without it; many of his songs took a depressing turn directly afterwards. Emotionally he recovered within the last decade but it’s commonly known that the peachy roundness of his head has left an empty hole in his heart that can only be masked with 1960s driving glasses. Pitbull has not yet confirmed whether or not this private investigator story is legitimate, but I think we’re all hoping for a reunion at some point in the near future.

 

3. Ashton Kutcher to Finally Take a Shower

Lastly, Ashton Kutcher announced via Twitter this morning that he is finally going to take a shower. This will be the actor’s first shower in 9 years, according to the same tweet. Kutcher evidently decided not to bathe purely out of laziness, promising himself that he would just do it tomorrow every single day for years. He came out in early 2013 as a clinically diagnosed ablutophobe (one who fears bathing), and has been struggling with his fears ever since. Now it seems he is ready to face those fears and give showering a try.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Come back every Tuesday for the lastest on celebrity gossip!

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.