Welcome to the first edition of Circus Killer News’ “Celeb Watch.” We always have our eye on the latest celebrity gossip and will be bringing you the inside scoop of the private lives of celebrities every Tuesday. Here are this week’s stories:
1. Angelina Jolie Adopts Nation of Uganda
Angelina Jolie’s legal acquisition of Uganda and its people were made official today becoming the latest milestone in the actress’s journey to ending all poverty. Jolie announced last May that adopting four children, frequent visits to third world nations and large charitable donations were simply not enough to satisfy her need to end poverty on a personal level, and that adopting the entire nation of Uganda was the next step to achieve this goal. Jolie is currently financing a massive bridge to connect her home in Beverly Hills with her new country for easier access to her 40 million children.
2. Pitbull Hires Private Detective to Find Long Lost Hair
Rumor has it that Pitbull, the American rapper, has allegedly hired a private investigator to find out what happened to his hair. Pitbull lost his hair in the early 1990s while touring in Chernobyl and has never been the same without it; many of his songs took a depressing turn directly afterwards. Emotionally he recovered within the last decade but it’s commonly known that the peachy roundness of his head has left an empty hole in his heart that can only be masked with 1960s driving glasses. Pitbull has not yet confirmed whether or not this private investigator story is legitimate, but I think we’re all hoping for a reunion at some point in the near future.
3. Ashton Kutcher to Finally Take a Shower
Lastly, Ashton Kutcher announced via Twitter this morning that he is finally going to take a shower. This will be the actor’s first shower in 9 years, according to the same tweet. Kutcher evidently decided not to bathe purely out of laziness, promising himself that he would just do it tomorrow every single day for years. He came out in early 2013 as a clinically diagnosed ablutophobe (one who fears bathing), and has been struggling with his fears ever since. Now it seems he is ready to face those fears and give showering a try.
That’s it for this week’s “Celeb Watch.” Come back every Tuesday for the lastest on celebrity gossip!
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.