factory

The 5 Worst Times That Someone Spilled Soup On Me

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People have been unintentionally spilling soup on me for as long as I can remember. It is very annoying and very traumatic, but my therapist says that I need to share my story if I want to get past it. Here are the 5 worst times that I’ve had soup spilled onto me.

 

While sleeping – One night while I was sleeping next to my girlfriend, I awoke to the sensation of a hot liquid splashing onto my face, accompanied by the sounds of lustful slurping. To my horror, I saw my girlfriend and my best friend having sex in bed right next to me while eating soup together. It turns out they had been having an affair for several months. I have no idea why they were eating soup while making love, nor do I know why they had to do it in bed with me, but this was one of the most traumatic events of my life and I needed to go to therapy for it. The soup was chicken noodle.

While giving that big presentation at work – I was presenting a new marketing strategy to the senior board members for my company, which was a huge opportunity for me. About two minutes into my presentation, the company soup barer entered the conference room and began delivering bowls of soup to all of the staff from his rusty trusty unicycle. Sadly there was a terrible rat infestation in our building, and even a seasoned soup barer like ours was not able to avoid them. His rusty trusty unicycle slammed into one of the sturdier rats, and a bowl of minestrone he was holding splashed all over my skintight business suit. I had to perform the rest of my presentation while drenched in the hot minestrone, and I was so flustered that my boss fired me as soon as I was done.

During a job interview – It took me a while to find work after that snafu with the big presentation at my last job. After what seemed like a decade, but was really nine years, I finally landed an interview at another company. It was a printing company that operated out of the basement of a soup factory. I went in for my interview, and that just happened to be the same day that the soup-proofing in the ceiling failed. Some gazpacho drizzled onto my head for the entirety of my interview, and the guy who interviewed me was so distracted by it that he forgot I was talking to him. I didn’t get the job.

While at a basketball game – I was at a basketball game, thinking that it was just what I needed to keep my mind off of all these soup disasters. I was sitting in the front row. When halftime came, some cheerleaders came out with t-shirt cannons, but one of them accidentally loaded her cannon with soup instead of t-shirts. She aimed the cannon right at me and fired, and my face was smacked with some french onion soup traveling at 80 miles per hour. I was immediately rushed to the hospital.

While being operated on at the hospital – I had to undergo surgery immediately after the basketball game because of how badly the french onion soup messed up my face. During the operation, the lead surgeon became hungry and started eating lentil soup over me. He forgot to remove his facemask, and the soup spilled down on to my face. He didn’t notice his mistake for a long time, and lentil soup disfigurations were appearing as quickly as french onion disfigurations were being fixed. I ended up having to pay twice as much for the surgery.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Facts About Sleep You Never Knew

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This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

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Unless you’re a Mormon, sleep is something you’ll have to do at some point in your life. Scientists have spent over five years learning everything there is to know about sleep, but there’s still so much to discover. He’s a list of some dreamy facts you can sleep on.

 

1. Eating one solitary grape before bed can cause violent night terrors and intense gastric distress, however eating more than one grape before bed will bring a deep, restful sleep.

2. The term “heavy sleeper” is considered politically incorrect. They prefer the term “sleeper who is weightly challenged.”

3. Sleeping on dirty sheets will give you sex dreams, whereas sleeping on clean sheets will make you dream about going to church.

4. “40 winks” is a term that commonly refers to taking a nap, however the term started as a popular first tactic used by numerous sexual predators.

5. Listening to white noise while falling asleep can erase all your memories from the day before.

6. People who sleep on their right side are more likely to become serial killers.

7. People who sleep on their left side are more likely to be killed in a factory explosion.

8. People who sleep on their backs are more likely to be abducted by aliens in their sleep.

9. People who sleep on their stomachs don’t exist.

10. Every time you lose an hour of sleep, you’re letting the terrorists win.

11. The 19th Century bedtime story “Wynken, Blynken and Nod” actually has nothing to do with sleep. It’s the name of a personal injury law firm in Bedminster, New Jersey.

12. A full night’s rest has the same effect as getting slapped in the face every fifteen minutes throughout the day.

13. Over 90% of conservatives in America report feeling safer sleeping with a gun under their pillow, whereas 90% of liberals in America say they feel safest sleeping with an abortion under their pillow.

14. The Tooth Fairy is real, and she lost all of her teeth to a meth addiction. She steals yours, and then glues them into her mouth until they fall out again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.